Dag 673: I befriend them in these dreams of mine

Today is the day before christmas eve and it is the last Yonathan Woss show of the year. The next one will not be until March or May or something of next year, so that means this will be the last weekly woss weport for some time.

As it is the last weekly woss weport you may have expected me to go to bed early and start writing my opening story nice and early so I can represent every nuamce of the show within my weport. So I guess I should jump straight in and give you the full facts:

1. I was watching the xmas rosemary and thymne christmas special on pasue TV mode so Jonathan was well underway before I finished watching this.
2. I haven't written a pre woss weport story as I normally do I have just gone straight into the weport.
3. I started watching the show while a Scottish girl was being interviewed so I never saw any of the bits before that.
4. The Jonathan Ross show finished some time ago - I am currently flicking between BBC2 (extras) and CH4 (something about coming up with a xmas number 1).
5. The first lp record I ever bought was hunky dory by David Bowie, the first 7 inch single was I wish it could be christmans every day by Wizzard (I think) and the first ever 12 inch single I bought was Marquee Moon by Television and the first pre recorded tape I ever bought was A Trick of the Tail by Genesis and the first ever compact disk I bought was Victorialand by Cocteau Twins and the first ever music video I bought was pictures at an exhibition by ELP and the first ever music DVD I bought was volumen by Björk.
6. The more numbered items I can think of writing the longer I can get out of having to write the woss weport pwoper.
7. Last Monday when I was flying up to Edinburgh the air hostess asked some bloke near me if he wanted a breakfast. He said "yes please, what have you got?". She replied "Breakfast". I thought that was really funny - in fact some of those BMI hostesses are really nice people.
8. When you fly a lot you get to notice that some men on the plane behave as though they are superior to everyone else and will quite happily do things like:
8a not only take over the middle chair arm, but also up to a third of the space in your own chair
8b take off their jacket in such a way that it wacks you accross your face and just act as though it never happened
8c speak to the hostesses as if they are something stuck to the bottom of their shoes
8d various other things
9. ok I suppose I'd better get to the woss weport now

Ok so, for me, the woss weport began with a scottish lady from extras being interviewed. Extras conatins Ricki Gervase out of the office. A couple of years ago I really liked the office and I bought them on DVD and stuff, but I haven't been too impressed with extras and also when Ricki Gervais gets intervoewed on various programs he comes over as a bit of an arse (as far as I am concerned).

Next up was Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Me and Al went to see Rob Brydon at the fringe in 2004 and as we were on the first row we both got spoken to by him. They are quite funny and both good at doing impersonations. Steve Coogan sometimes comes accross as a bit of an arse when he is interviewed, but I think he does it on purpose. I think Alan Partridge is very funnny. These 2 manage tp get through the Woss Inetrview without having to do too much and the show ends with music by Richard Ashcroft.

So that is the end of the last ever Woss hsow from 2005 and this the end of the last ever woss weport from 2005. So as from next week I will be doing some other sort of posting.

I'll see you in the other room......

Dag 670: Wot no woss weport?

I have had a number of people asking what happened to last weeks woss weport, so here is the story:

There was a woss weport last week and it was published on Friday night as usual. However it was pulled on Saturday night due to the fact that it had not only failed the quality control test, but it had also told me to fuck off.

One of the reasons it failed its quality control test was because I missed the first half of the show and didn't pay much attention to the second half and the reason it told me to fuck off was because my opening story was not up to my usual high standard of literary accomplishment. In fact not only had it failed my quality control test, but I had failed its quality control test.

It is currently being held in quarenteen and if I manage to improve it over the next day or two I will re-instate it. Otherwise I will leave it where it is and hope that next weeks weport is back up to the usual standard.

additional notes from the day before xmas eve
I have had a few complaints about the language used in this post so I have decided to re-instate last weeks woss weport by way of recompence. I hope that makes you stuck up sticky beaks happy.

Dag 656: Dreams that fade in the dawn of morning

The 3 amigos entered the blue blazer with the thirst of 16 antelopes. The northern lad was already there and had just got a drink in. The 3 amigos had actually become 4 just before arriving and they wanted to have a drink with that northern lad, but the blue blazer was more busy than it had ever been before and everyone was trying to order another drink at the exact moment they arrived. After some waiting they managed to aquire 3 bottles of baltika and a half of Scruttocks Old Dirigable and were able to sit down with the northern lad in the corner table of the back room and start their old skool christmas night out. They may not have thought about it at the time, but this was likely to be the last christmas night out they would spend together.
And the only thing that could possibly follow on from that would be the latest episode of the weekly woss weport.
However, things are not as they should be. Somebody had been watching taggart and had missed at least the first half of the happless woss talking to his ensconsed guests.

So the weport opens with Dairmid O'Brian saying goodbye. This is the second time I have missed him performing. The previous time was when I tried to book tickets to see him at the Edinburgh fringe, but he was sold out so we went to see another irish comedian whose name escapes me.

Take that were on next and I didn't pay much attention to them, as can only be expected.

Next up was a lady that had something to do with strictly come dancing. This may sound like some perverted fettish type program, but in fact it is about old fashioned dancing and should be avoided at all costs.

Finally some group played something. I didn't notice much about this apart from the fact that there was a Vox amp involved. I have become a bit of an expert on guitar amps since I bought one the other week.

So by the time a wrote this Yonathan has long since left teh screen and I am watching some James Bond film featuring David Nivia. I'm not sure if it called Casino Royal or not, but I do know that it is rubbish. In fact on reflection, it is even worse than rubbish. This bit that involves people trying to pick up big round stone balls is one of the worst bits of cinema I have ever seen.

So on that note I think I will call it a day and watch an episode of Seinfeld instead.

Goodbye.

Dag 649: There's and angel standing at the door

The door made a creaking sound as it slowly opened and the occupents scurried into the shadows. I just caught a glimse of the last one before it was swallowed into the black pit of oblivion. It was taller than me and it looked scared as it turned away just before disappearing. I wondered why it was scared of someone so much smaller that it, especially as there had been many of them and only 1 of me.

Meanwhile the walkers were nearing the summit of pen-y-ghent and the straggler was feeling tired. He wasn't as fit as the others and he was finding it difficult to keep up. The others realised this and decided to stop for a break. They sat in a group just below the peak on the other side of the hill from the village they had set off from. The straggler breathed heavily as he tried to catch his breath, while the others chatted and drank tomato soup. One of them broke off a piece of kendal mint cake and offered it to the straggler, but he declined the offer. "Sorry, but I've got to get my laptop out and write up the weekly woss weport" was all he manged to reply before the clouds closed in and the thunder and lightning began. The straggler now knew exactly why the occupents had felt so scared.

I think the first guest is called Jack Black and he is in the new King Kong film. They have showed some scenes from this, but none of them seem to have the guest in. Maybe he plays the part of the gorilla. This film looks like it is really well made, but I don't really want to see it as I didn't like the original version. I don't like films that have people being cruel to a big pretend gorilla and then killing it in the end. Tomorrow I am going to see the new Hary Potter film.

Now they are showing a clip from Rock School. I haven't seen this film, but it looks rubbish. Sometimes I wonder whether there are any films that I actually like, but really I know that there are.

Now it's Will Young. He was in some rubbish TV show that turned him into a star so he did pretty well for himself I guess.
Jonathan (pronounced Yonathan) has made some comment or other and Jules has come back with a reply that I found really good. I like Jules Holland.

Anyway, Will Smith has gone off to sing some song and I have to admit that I don't like it at all.

Now it is time for Mr Holland himself. I find Jules a real dilemma. I think he is a really great guy and I find him very funny and I think he has done a great deal for music. His show, later with jules holland, is really good and he has had some great guests. I also think that he is a fantastic piano player and I really used to like some of the squeeze songs. The trouble is that I don't really like his rythmn and blues orchestra style music. Boogie woogie just isn't my cup of tea, but because he is so cool I just can't say a bad word about him.

Now it is Paul Weller performing a song. I never used to like the Jam, but I like quite a few of Paul Weller's songs. I particularly like one called The Changing Man - it is really good.

Now James Blunt is on in some program following Jonathan Ross. It is called James Blunt at the BBC. I don't know much about James Blunt, other than my daughter likes him and the people I work with don't. I wonder who is right? I guess they both are.

Dag 642: Dreams are like water - colourless and dangerous

The boat was floating down the river towards the sea. The water was deep and dark and the boat was moving very slowly. Occasionally it would touch one of the banks and pause momentarily before the current would cause the back of the boat to swing around and the boat would float backwards for a while. Eventually it passed the flat rock on which I was having a picnic. I noticed the boat before it drew level with me and I wondered whether it had broken loose from its mooring as I could see no one on board. As it passed by me I noticed there was something big lurking in the bottom. It seemed to be moving slightly as if it was breathing heavily, but it was larger than any creature I had ever seen before. There was a sudden movement and the thing jumped up and looked back at me as the boat floated away. Although this was clearly some abomination of nature that could only have entered this world through some strange rift in time I had a weekly woss weport to write so I just let it go on its way without a further thought.

First of all Mr Woss went on about getting some sort of OBE or something from the Queen. I often wonder why these things are given to people off TV - though I am sure they have good reasons. While we are on the subject I also often wonder why they put these TV award shows on TV. After all they don't put Sys Admin award shows on TV.

The first guest is out of sex in the city. I have never watched it and I didn't really listen to what was being said as I was busy with the introduction.

Harry Hill was on next and he was pretty funny. I liked his musical performance with those old fashioned horns.

Then it was Patsy Kensit out of Emerdale farm. I don't watch that, but I did go to school with Claire Seed. I also think that Bo Selecta is very good.

Now cold play are being interviewed. They seem to talk quite a bit of nonsense and the singer has got various bits of coloured tape on his hand.

Now they are performing their new single. It is called Talk - which is half of the name of the band Talk Talk.
The one on the right seems to be playing through a Hiwatt amp, but I am not 100% sure - I'll let you know if I mange to confirm it. I can't tell what amp the one on the left has. The one at the back has some drums and the one at the front is singing. I've just noticed that I can hear keyboards being played, but I can't see anyone playing them. Maybe they are miming. I just have confirmation that the one on the right is indeed using a Hiwatt amp. I bought an amp today. I could have got a Hiwatt one for £1200, but instead I bought a Line 6 one for £429. It should arrive tomorrow before noon and no doubt I will mention it in some future posting.

The show has now ended so I have turned over to watch later with Jools Holland.

If any of you went to see Sigur Rós recently you may be interested to know that you can watch the whole of their gig from Reykjavik, Iceland on 27th November 2005on a webcast by clicking here and then clicking on the bit that says "Webcast of the Iceland concert!".

This weeks weekly woss weport was bought to you by I can't be bothered to wite a weekly woss weport wimited.