Dag 1059: Happy Hogmanay

The wind is blowing outside and it is new years eve yet again. It is 8 minutes to midnight and I am in bed already because I don't like new years eve and there is no way I'm going to stay up past midnight tonight - no matter how awake I am. Some people probably don't like new years eve because they don't like going out, but I do like going out, just not on new years eve. It is far too busy and there is too much expectation about the whole thing. I don't like doing what is expected of me, I like doing what I feel like doing at the time, so new years eve is one of my least enjoyable nights of the year.

I think I also need to say that this year the TV has been about the worst that there has ever been over an xmas/new year period. There hasn't been a single new episode of Poirot, Miss Marple, Midsummer Moiders or any other program that I usually enjoy watching over the smas/new year period. One of the only saving graces is that there is a brand new Taggart on on Wednesday night. There have been a few good things on BBC, but they have been pretty much all comedies and they have shown them all about 3 times each to try and pad out the scedule. Fortunately I managed to get a Nintendo Wii which has filled in all of the many times when there has been nothing good ojn TV, but the downside is that I am now suffering from Wii Arm.

It is now 2 minutes past midnight and as the fireworks are going off all around, despite the adverse weather conditions, I am reminded that most countries on the earth, as we know it, seem to have come up with some derogatory term or other for most other countries. If some people from another workd were to decide to come up with a suitable term for us earthlings they would probably come up with something like:

Garlic eating, jockstrap wearing, carpet munching, cross dressing, whale blubber sucking, goat milking, tree hugging, double crossing, religious bigotted, crystal gazing, war mongering, armchair shopping, pulp fiction reading, tea drinking, sun worshipping, surrender monkeys.*

*Apologies if I have missed any of the stereotypes you may fit into, but there just wasn't enought room for them all to be included.

Dag 1056: God Jul!

Or as they like to say in Bohemia "Vesele Vanoce".

Christmas has now come and gone and it is some time since we saw any posting action round about here. My initial excuse was that my trusty PowerBook had developed a strange fault with it's screen which made it look as though some sort of static interference was going on. It was just like the sort of thing you would see in some sort of sci fi film, or something, where screens were being affected by static interference from outer space. It made it very difficult to see anything. I bought a couple of CDs recently and it was very hard trying to get them imported into iTunes. I managed it in the end after several reboots.

While I was without a useable computer I did start a couple of posts (one of which is the next instalment of Snowblind - if you remember what that is) and I will hopefully be getting round to posting them up in the near future because Santa and his minions have brought me a brand spanking new PowerBook for Xmas - only now they are called MacBook Pros instead. This one has got one of the all new intel dual core chippy things in it and I must say it is faster than a fast thing that is travelling faster than it normally does. I have had a go at Quake 4 with all the options turned on and it works a treat - now I just wish I had the time to actually play Quake 4 from time to time. This is the sort of thing that you need to be working away from home to be able to do.

Santa and his heard of goats also brought a couple of Wiis, and as he bought them nice and early I was able to sell one of them on eBay. The profit from this just about paid for the brand new tyre that needed replacing on the trusty Volvo after someone in the household managed to bang it against a curb and pop it. I think there is some law that means every time I get the chance at making a bit of spare cash something will crop up that costs just a little bit more than the amount I have just made.

Well its not all doom and gloom because a kindly and altruistic Bulgarian property magnate sent this link to me and had nearly everyone at Björk Bjiggler Towers rolling in the aisles.

For some reason I couldn't see what was so funny.

As well and the new computer, the Jultomten was also kind enough to bring me a Vew Do Zippy balance board which has taken me back to my skateboarding days of yore. These things are great and it should enable me to return to my former sylph like frame that I used to have before I started eating too many chicken fried rice's from Mid Calder.
I haven't actually had a chicken fried rice from there for about 6 months now, but I have probably been making up for it by stuffing my face with loads of other rubbish as my stomach doesn't seem to have got any flatter since then. In fact, yesterday I came to the conclusion that the reason I have not lost any weight is because I don't have any scales. If I had some scales than I could weight myself everyday and keep track of the amount of weight I'm losing. Without the scales my weight will just flounder around and I'll never manage to get any thinner.

Most of my postings are written out in draft first and then pasted into blogger for final editing before being published. I have done this one in this way and have logged in ready to post the thing only to find out there there is an all new version of blogger that I didn't know about before that brings it into ones google account now. There was a big button that allowed me to begin the process of upgrading my blog. So I clicked on it and it said this would take a few minutes. After a while it said "I still haven't finished transferring your blog so go away and I'll send you an email when it is ready". This was about 30 minutes ago and I still haven't had this email so when you finally get to read this you will know that:
A) this blog is now an all new improved google blog rather than an old blogger one
B) this may not actually have been posted until some time (maybe a day or so) after I actually wrote it

In fact it took about 2 hours, which means I probably have what is known in the trade a pretty hefty blog.

So in the mean time hope you all not only have a "gott nytt år" but that you also manage to get all of your shoe related problems sorted out in 2007.

Dag 1008: Into you like a train

I have been on a few trains of late and I have noticed a few things.

The first thing that I have noticed is that when people arrive at the station they seem to claim a spot to stand on.
They find their spot, which is not too close to any other person, and they just stand there. I presume that most people are hoping that their particular spot will be close to a door once the train stops. Occasional I see someone change their spot, but usually I find that once they have got their spot they keep it until the train comes into view. Once the train appears round the corner and slowly creeps up next to the platform I am reminded of the show Run Ararnd as a number of commuters will suddenly decide to move top another bit of the platform. It is all done with a great sense of purpose and gives the impression that the people who have suddenly decided to move know exactly where the train is going to stop. My only thought is why didn't they just go straight to the spot when they first arrived? Presumably they were trying to catch out other commuters in some way.

The other thing I noticed is that, as the station I leave from is unmanned, people need to buy their ticket on the train. The conductor starts at the back of the train and works his way forwards. Each time the train stops at a station he start at the back again. This means that by the time the train gets into Leeds the conductor never actually makes it to the front of the train and if you don't manage to get a ticket on the train you have to queue up to buy one at the barrier (which can take up to 15 minutes).
This means that people who need to buy a ticket will try and stand at the end of the platforms that will be nearest the back of the train so they can try and get on through the back door first and get a seat as near to the back as possible, thus increasing their chances of securing a ticket during the journey. I started off this way and soon became very stressed trying to make sure I sat near the back. Sometimes I would stand at the back and wait for the conductor to come so I could get my ticket and then find a seat once I had secured my ticket. Once I had my ticket I could relax, but as time went on I found more and more people were trying to sit near the back and there was the added issue that sometimes the conductor would just sit in his room at the back doing soduko and wouldn't start coming around until around halfway through the journey. I also found that on a great many occasions the conductor would announce that his machine was broken so he wouldn't be able to sell anyone any tickets.

After about 3 months of putting up with this train induced stress I finally got my photo taken in one of those booths and got myself a month long ticket.

Now when I arrive at the platform I walk right to the far end where the front of the train will be and get the seat nearest the front. It doesn't bother me whether the conductor is selling tickets or not and I can spend the whole journey relaxing and playing on my PSP.

This afternoon I caught the train back as usual, but noticed that although the train was full no one sat anywhere near me. The 2 rows in front and behind me remained empty though a great many people were standing. I couldn't understand why no one wanted to sit near me. I was beginning to wonder whether it was because of the wicker basket full of rotting fish I had with me, when I heard a voice in my head. It said "Hello Dom, it's me; the spirit of the blog. You haven't done a Weekly Woss Weport in ages and the people are getting restless. No one will sit near you on the train again unless you do a Weekly Woss Weport." I explained that I was usually too tired to watch the Jonathan Ross Show these days and didn't see how I could do another one just at the moment, thankyou very much. At this a few of the passengers nearest to me got out of their seats and moved away. The spirit of Blog said "You have to do a mini Weekly Woss Weport otherwise no one will ever sit near you on the train again".

I was tempted to tell the spirit of blog that I would far prefer it if no one did sit next to me and why didn't he go and annoy someone else instead, but for some reason I found myself agreeing and so here for 1 week only I present the new look partially featured mini Weekly Woss Weport.

As usual I missed the beginning, but while I was getting ready for bed I heard Wossy talking to some guy out of Doctor Who who is now in Torchwood. I haven't seen Torchwood yet, but I did tape the first episode. I'm not 100% sure, but it sounded like there was some sort of talk about homosexuality going on - didn't get the full drift of it though and by the time I was tucked up in bed with my trusty 1920s style powerbook there was a clip of the Mighty Boosh being shown. It was the one that featured Obsidian Blackbird McKnight and a rather good one that is too. Then to the sound of Babooshka being sung by the poofs and their pianos on walked a rather efeminately dressed Noel Fielding and a rather more bearded than normal Julian Barratt. They were interviewed by Mr Woss and it seemed to me that Mr Woss didn't know that much about them. He asked them how they came up with the name The Mighty Boosh and they came up with some reply about Noels brother having big hair (a bit like Adrians used to be), but I personaly think that there is a different reason for calling it that, but I don't think we should be going into that now.
They managed to get through the interview and that meant that it was time for the final guest "Emma Thompson".
She has been on before and I don't have anything to add here so feel free to read the post on this site entitled "The return of the useless napkin bandits" to find out all about her.

All that is left of this special mini Woss Weport is to see who the band is.
It turns out to be Gwen Stefani. I have never heard any of her music before, and once she had sung a few notes I realised why. She sang some song out of The Sound of Music or something that seemed to have been beefed up to try and make it trendy. Some people may have found it trendy, but that doesn't include the music staff on Critical Mass, who are of he opinion that she wasn't actually singing live. Each time there was singing with no music she seemed to hide here mouth behind the microphone, which is probably the best place for it.

Dag 1006: My name is Siem Anym

I have been working on the next chapter of Snowblind (which is provisionally entitled "Snowblind III - this time it's for real") but due to various work commitments it is not quite ready for publication. So I'm just doing a quick round up style blog entry to be going on with.

First of all I should bring your attention to the fact that Critical Mass has now been going for over 1000 days (assuming the number I put into each title is accurate - it would be interesting to know how accurate these are, but not interesting enough to work it out).

I haven't been buying much in the way of CDs or DVDs lately, though I have bought the latest Kent single Nålens öga which is for charity (this should be read in a Nicey style accent of course).

Anna Ternheim - 28 Maj 2005

I also bought Seperation road by Anna Ternheim (who Adrian and I saw supporting Kent last year in Stockholm).
This arrived just before I was due to drive to Slaley Hall for a few days away so it had its first airing on the journey there and I was so impressed with it that it was the only thing I listened to for the whole time I was away.
Not only is the album fantastic, but Anna is also one of my friends on myspace - cool.

It is now almost 6 months since my contract in Scotland finished and I started this one in Yorkshire and I have noticed a number of changes in my life:
- I no longer fly each Monday and Friday, so I have stopped getting Eurobonus points which means I only have enough points for 1 more free flight to Sweden and the knock on effect that my Gold status will soon disappear.
- all my synths and recording equipment are locked away in various wardrobes and the attic so I only get to play the piano and my guitar at the moment (and that isn't very often).
- although Jonathan Ross is back on TV on a Friday night, I am now so tired each night that I can't stay awake late enough to see it, which in turn means no more Weekly Woss Weports for the foreseeable future.
- no more going out in Edinburgh with my chums during the week.

Mr Cloudhand and I have been saying it is about time we went to see another concert (the last was Goldfrapp in Edinburgh) so I have been trying to think of all groups that I haven't yet seen, but would like to see before I die (I realise he may not want to see all/any of these - we may end up seeing a group that one of us has seen before anyway).
John Cale - In 1978 I bought a couple of tickets to see him, but wasn't allowed to go
King Crimson - nearly seen them a few times, but never quite managed it (though I saw Robert Fripp at the Futurama in 1980)
Eva Dahlgren - last time I was in Stockholm she was playing a free outdoor concert the day after we left - bugger!
Shirley Clamp - not sure if she does tours
Eskobar - Akways seem to find out about their gigs after the event
Van Der Graaf Generator - Hopefully I will manage to see them when they tour in 2007
Pink Floyd - seen a tribute band, but would be nice to see the real thing
Toyah - she was my fave rave when I was a teenager (until her 3rd album came out and she went all poppy)

On a final front (ear), I have just discovered technorati and thus I have to put the following link into my next blog posting or something in order to get it working.
So here is my Technorati Profile

Dag 982: Snowblind II

Before going to bed I hooked up my iPod to the sound system installed in my isolated cabin in Northern Sweden, turned up the volume and listened to some Kent while I unpacked all my cases and started to assemble the scientific apparatus I had brought with me. As I fitted the pieces of equipment together I felt excited at the thought of the work I would be undertaking over the next 7 days and the time flew by. As midnight passed and the song Månadens Erbjudande was coming to an end I realised how late it was and how tired I was from the long journey that day. I went to bed and was asleep before I had even had chance to turn the bedside light out.

The next thing I was aware of was the alarm on my mobile phone going off and interrupting one of my often recurring dreams with a start. I got dressed and went into the lounge expecting to be able to continue setting up the apparatus. However, this was not going to be possible, for it lay in pieces all over the floor. It had been smashed to smithereens while I had slept.

I stood motionless for the next five minutes, though it seemed like much longer as the questions piled up in my head. Who could have done this? How did they get in? Why didn’t I wake up from my sleep in the next room? How did they find this cabin? Its location was not only secret, but no one should have even known I would be going there at this time. The one question that bothered me most, though, was why somebody should want to prevent me from performing my work here?

I examined the door, but it was still locked and there was no sign of any forced entry. Likewise, all the windows were locked shut, again with no evidence of any tampering. The only possible explanation was that someone had a key to the door and had locked it on there way out after committing this surprising deed. But the lock had been custom made and I should have had the only key that would open it.

I unlocked the door and looked out. It had snowed after I had arrived so there was no sign of my footprints from the day before, but there was single set of fresh footprints leading up to the door and a single set leaving at a 45 degree angle to the ones arriving. I put on my outdoor clothes and started following the footprints that led away from the door. They led towards a large boulder that was about 400 metres from the cabin, and passed around the left side of it.

I followed them around the rock but there they came to an abrupt stop.

A few feet away from the last footprint there was a patch of red snow and next to the red snow was a man lying face down and not moving. I looked around but could not see anyone else or any other footprints; however I found that 2 words had been written in the snow and the fore finger of the man’s right hand was still in the indentation of the last letter of the second word.

This message was the last act of the dying man and must mean something to someone, but it didn’t make any sense to me. The message was simply “Red House”. Was this the complete message and who was it meant for?

I turned the body over and saw that the blood was coming from a hole in the region of his solar plexus. I felt in his pockets to see if I could find any identification. I found a passport, a wallet, a copy of the key to the door of my cabin and small piece of torn canvas. The passport was in the name of Professor Guy Dubh from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis and his wallet contained some currency, a mixture of Euros and Swedish Krona) and the boarding passes for a flight from Malaga to Stockholm from 3 weeks earlier and then Stockholm to Luleå from 2 days ago. The piece of canvas looked like it may have come from an oil painting, but it looked very old and the paint was cracked. On second inspection I saw the name Laury painted onto it in feint strokes.

The name Laury meant nothing to me, but something else reminded me of a strange incident that had happened when I was on holiday in Spain a few months before.

The Spanish police had come to the door of my apartment one afternoon asking me if I knew anything about the man who was renting the apartment next door. I said I hadn’t even been aware that anyone was staying in that apartment and wasn’t able to help them. I later heard that it was being rented by a Professor of Art from Brighton who had been murdered by a single shot to the solar plexus. He had managed to crawl across the floor to the coffee table in the room in which he had been found, and had picked up a postcard from the table, which he was clutching in his hand when the body had been found.

The postcard showed a green field on a bright sunny day and in the middle of the field was a single building.

It was a red house.

Dag 968: Snowblind

I awoke with a start and waited in silence for a few moments to see if I could sense what had caused me to awake in such a fashion. I heard nothing, so I rolled out of bed and looked out of the window. Although the sun was not yet fully up, I could see that the snow was thick all around and all that I could see was white; covered by the heavy fall during the night. It must have been at least minus 12 outside, but thanks to the triple glazing on the window, I was warm enough inside.

I looked at my watch, it was after 10:00 am and I had slept in. After a quick shower and a breakfast of knäckebröd with cheese, ham and tomato, I got dressed in my thermals, put on my outdoor snow suit and stepped outside into the virgin snow. The first thing that struck me was the silence. This was the third day since I had arrived at this house in a remote part of Sweden and I still wasn't used to the absolute lack of noise. The house was 7 miles from the nearest neighbour and the silence was so complete that it is not possible to imagine what it is like without experiencing it for oneself. It is said that the silence can drive some people to the edge of madness.

I checked that the packing I had done the day before was complete and tied securely to my skidoo. There was no need to lock up the house, so I started the skidoo up and rode due north. After 3 hours of travelling I stopped for a quick lunch and then set off again. I should really have left an hour earlier so I needed to try and make up some time.

I arrived at my final destination at 21:15, tired and hungry. I parked the skidoo and took the cases into the cabin that was to be my home for the next week. My first task was to get the fire going, and then I could think about getting some food ready. I decided to prepare a quick meal of pytt i panna with some beetroot, which I washed down with a single small glass of ice cold O.P Andersson Akvavit.

I now had 7 days in which to solve the puzzle that was the whole reason for my being sent here. It is a puzzle of immense proportions, which one cannot even begin to describe. I had first been told about it 11 years before and I had spent all that time preparing myself for the time that had now arrived. For the puzzle is of such a complex nature that it can only be solved within the Arctic Circle by someone born on the exact date of my birth. A few others had tried and failed and I knew the ramifications could be far reaching if I were to follow in their footsteps, but as I sat by the fire all I could wonder was what dark mysteries fate would bring to my door that night.

Dag 959: Andalucía when will I see you?

When it is snowing out again.

I have recently returned from my annual trip to the Spanish Lourdes, which explains why there has been a distinct lack of postings on the old Critical Mass for a while.

A week before I flew out it was announced on the news that due to a foiled terrorist plot people would no longer be allowed to take hand luggage on board flights into and out of the UK. Instead they would only be allowed to take tickets, passports and money provided it was in a clear plastic bag. We were informed that this was likely to stay in place for some time. To me, it seemed like a knee jerk reaction that would do little to alter the likelihood that any particular plane might get attacked, but would most likely cause a lot of distress to many passengers; who could end up having things they would normally have taken in their hand luggage stolen from their suitcase after checking them in.

I spent the next few days posting letters of complaint to the BBC “have your say” topic about the new security restrictions. I would normally put a link in at this point, but this particular “have your say” topic has disappeared from the BBC website for some reason.

Anyway, by the time I came to travel the restrictions had been reduced to something a bit more sensible and I was able to take my laptop in my hand luggage and the plane didn't get blown up and all was well with the world. Apart from the fact that I left my zip up sweat shirt in the overhead locker due to the stresses involved with making sure we didn’t forget everyone else’s zip up sweatshirts and other belongings.

Booking the hire car had been a bit of a balancing exercise. We would have a lot of luggage so needed to fit all that in for the 2 trips between the airport and the apartment, but apart from that the car would be little used and a small one would fit us all nicely. I could have rented a Clio for about £200 pounds or a Ford Focus for about £260. So, did I want to pay an extra £60 in order to have a less stressful time packing the car on 2 short trips? I decided not, so I went for the Clio.

On arrival we were actually given a Fiat Punto and upon locating it we noticed a man trying to pack his luggage into a Ford Focus in the parking bay next to us. He was complaining that he had a Ford Focus at home and had got all his luggage into it with no problems on the way to the airport, but it wouldn't fit into this one. Each time I have visited Spain I have been surprised that the boot space in my hire car has seemed smaller than I would have expected it to be. My theory is that hire cars in Spain are actually built with smaller boots that the same car would have if it was not destined to be a Spanish hire car. So far I have seen no evidence to refute my theory so it must be right. I had the usual stresses trying to get all of the luggage into the car again, but as always, I finally managed to squash it all in. All of the passengers did, however, end up with various bits of luggage and push chairs etc. on their laps. But 20 minutes later, after turning left at the BMW garage, going under the cable cars and past the lighthouse, we were parked outside the apartment and we didn't need to worry about packing the car again for another 2 weeks and a day.

Once the car was unpacked and the electricity, gas and water turned on we always go en masse to the supermarket to do our main shop of the holiday (after that I just go on my own each morning to get what we need for the day). I always like shopping in foreign supermarkets so this first supermarket trip always gets me a little giddy. One of the things I notice while in Spain is how we get ripped off in the UK with the cost of cans of pop. A can of Sprite at home tends to cost 50p or higher. In the Spanish supermarkets they cost 31 Euro cents each. That is around half the price we pay. Also while we are on the subject of Sprite I should also add that Sprite bought in Spain tastes different to Sprite bought in the UK. They both taste good, but the Spanish version tastes better than good. The first time I ever saw Sprite was on a school trip to Athens and I really liked it. When it became available in the UK some years later I started drinking it, but it never seemed to taste quite so good as it had in Greece. I guess they must have changed to formula of it in the UK to make it taste more like what us Brits think lemonade should taste like. Well, personally I would rather they didn't do things like that. If a drink that used to only be available in other countries is introduced to the UK it should be left exactly the same as it was in the original country. If they want to change the taste, they should give it a different name and make it be a different drink. And while we are on that subject, I hate the way that the UK will start importing a foreign type of beer and then suddenly they stop importing it because they are now brewing it in the UK instead. Only now the UK version of the drink tastes nothing like the original version. It never taste as good once they start getting brewed over here so stop doing it - you stupid breweries.

Fortunately for now I am able to get real Lapin Kulta brewed in Finland from Beers of Europe and I can get real Baltika brewed in Russia from www.tesco.com. Thanks to Paolo and the Blue Blazer in Edinburgh, I have a Baltika glass (which I keep in the freezer), but I don't yet have a Lapin Kulta glass. Does anyone know here I can get one from? Email me at the usual address (and just putting Finland down is not an acceptable answer).

Right so back to Spain – a place in which, I am reliably informed, the rain stays mainly on the plane. Once the shopping was done and we had unpacked everything the holiday could start, and I could sit in my favourite place on evening 1 of the holiday.

My favourite place in Spain

Back in the dark, dank and ominous opening few months of the year the staff of The Cloudhands Weekly Expectorant presented me with a radio controlled shark as a birthday gift. I had decided that the best thing to do with it was save it so I could give it its first airing (and dunking) in the pool in Spain. Although I didn’t know at the time, this was to become known as Operation Chorizo, and I am pleased to report that Operation Chorizo was a complete and resounding success, though, unfortunately, the video evidence was lost due to operator error. And, I don’t just mean that one session of shark footage was lost. Footage was taken on 3 separate sessions and none of it survived, due to what is sometimes referred to as Klum Sithum Syndrome.

Now, I may not have driven over any lemons while in Spain this time around, but I did discover the delights of ITV3. This enabled me to watch an episode of Taggart pretty much every night before going to bed and meant I only ended up watching one of the many DVDs I took with me. You may recall from a previous post that I planned to watch Steget Äfter one night on the balcony and that is exactly what I did. The film was thoroughly enjoyable and sufficiently different from the book to make it count as story in its own right. Books generally have far more happening in them that can be fitted into a 90 minute film so invariably bits have to get cut out and in this case a whole key feature of the book was changed which enabled the story to be easily converted into 90 minutes and also removed a part of the book that would have been quite difficult to have on film – namely a man dressed as a woman that no one realises is actually a man until it is too late (I hope I haven’t ruined the book for anyone).

I watched thw DVD on my laptop, on the second Saturday night of the holiday while sitting on the balcony in my favourite position (see above - I should add that it isn’t really a balcony as it is on the ground floor, but I don’t know what else to call it). I had a few glasses of Absolute vodka with Sprite and then a Salame pizza from Papa Luigis along with a glass or two of cava. I should add that while I was in cultural nirvana watching my highly intelligent production (in Swedish with English subtitles) the others were in the apartment dumbing down to the culturally inept “How do you solve a problem like Maria” or whatever it’s called.

Other holiday highlights included the now ubiquitous lightning tour of Fuengarola Zoo followed by the forking out of money for overpriced toys (that I’ll probably never play with again after the holiday) in the gift shop.

a big cat

The hot suny weather was only interupted for a couple of hours one day by the appearance of a bit of mist, but as you can see it wasn't enough to make us fret.

look at those shores

We carried on the tradition of sticking to the same restaurant for every meal out (namely La Dispenser in Cabopino) until the last day when we had lunch at Giuseppe’s (also in Cabopino) instead. I had a very nice burger with barber queue sauce, though it was a little under cooked for my liking so I shall be asking for mine to be well done next time we eat there.

The only other thing to report on is the in car music. We had a bit of Shirley Clamps first CD to bring back memories of our first trip to Spain and we had a bit of Shirley Clamps latest CD, but for the majority of the time it was Snö by Eva Dahlgren that compelled itself to be played. The CD has grown on me exponentially since buying it, it is simply one of the best CDs I own. I didn’t want to play it on the trip back to the airport as there was a risk that I would forget to retrieve it when we returned the car so we listened to Shirley Clamps Favouriter På Svenska and true to form I forgot to retrieve it when we returned the hire car.

Still, I consoled myself with the fact that I could easily order another copy, but I would also be providing the next renter of that car with the chance of hearing some music they might otherwise never have got to hear.

I have been back at work for a couple of weeks now and it now feels like an age since I was soaking up that Spanish sun. Peter Hammill is playing in Gateshead in a few weeks time and I would like to go, but I haven’t dared ask yet.

Farmer John wants you louder and softer.

Dag 951: Dark Angels Scream......

The moon shone obliquely through a crack in the curtains sending a shard of light into the centre of the rug that had Sergels Torg written into the pattern at one end. The window pain rattled in a sudden gust of wind and I walked over to the window and moved the curtain to one side allowing me to look out.

The sky was cloudless and I could almost see to the end of the garden, but not quite. A sharp crack caused me to look to the left, but all I could see was the stone wall that ran down that side of the garden. I held my breath for a moment as I looked to see what could have made the sound, but I saw nothing move. On the other side of the wall a fully grown fox was hiding in the undergrowth with senses on full alert. It had been sleeping in a wooden crate full of leaves a few days before and when it woke up it was too late to get out of the create as a lid had been put on it and the crate was swaying as it was being carried by 2 men onto a dark red 2.4 litre pathfinder land rover with a large scrape down one side. The land rover had driven for 2 days before reaching the village, where the crate was carefully taken out and the contents tipped onto the county communal compost heap. The fox had waited under the compost until the land rover had driven off and then slowly made its way to where it now lay in hiding. No one living in the village knew it was there and that was the way it was going to stay.

I closed the curtains, put another log on the fire and went into the kitchen. I took a glass, which had been made in Finland, off the shelf and walked into the utility room. I opened the freezer door, put 4 ice cubes into the glass and took out the bottle of Swedish vodka I had recently bought in Spain. It was covered in a thin film of ice and, as usual, I found it hard to unscrew the lid and my hands became very cold. I eventually got the lid off and poured enough vodka into the glass to just reach the top of the ice. I then returned the bottle to the freezer and took out a bottle of Sprite from the fridge. After filling the glass to the brim I put some macadamia nuts into a small bowl and returned to the lounge.

I felt the heat from the fire as I sat down and thought about the song that I needed to write. But that would have to wait, as I was about to watch a Nordic thriller on the television. As the opening music played and I took the first sip of my drink I wondered what dark mysteries fate would bring to my door that night.

Dag 907: Paris on principle

There seems to be a new craze in the town of blogland at the moment and that is posting stories about trips to Paris. Any blog worth its salt is currently beguiling us with tales of bravery, resolve and triumph in the face of adversity from Paris. I'm not going to let the fact that I haven't been on any recent trips to Paris stop me from getting with the program. So here is the story of my school trip to Paris from arouand 1980 (give or take a year or so). No names or places have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was about 16 or 17 at the time and the night before we were due to set off for Paris I went to a disco at St John Fishers School in Harrogate. I have no idea how I came to be going to it as I didn't know anyone at that school (or it’s sister school St Aidens). I also can't remember who I went with, but I do remember that during the disco a girl called Harriet came up to talk to me and we ended up dancing together until the disco ended (so I probably didn’t spend much time with the person I went with – sorry).

I asked if she wanted to see me again when I got back from Paris and she said she did, so suddenly I wasn't as excited about going on the trip as I had been the day before.

I can't remember which airport we flew from, but it was probably Leeds/Bradford and I do remember that we landed at Charles De Gaul airport in Paris. I was a bit of a hippy back in those days and quite liked a band called Gong who had a number of French band members so I had already convinced myself that I would be bound to able to find a shop that had some Gong bootlegs in stock – there’s nothing like setting your expectations ridiculously high before a trip somewhere is there?

We collected ourselves and our bags together at the airport and piled onto a couch that would take us to our hotel. Once we got there I remember that it seemed more like a block of apartments than a hotel. The room I was assigned to was actually 2 rooms (you had to go through one to get to the other) and the first room had 2 single beds and the second room had 1 double bed. The bedding didn't match on any of the beds and the furniture looked like it had been bought from a junk shop. There were 4 of us in these 2 rooms so we decided to have a rota system so each of us only had to share the double bed once (or something - I can't actually remember how many days the trip was for).

From here on it all gets a little hazy. I can't remember the exact order that any of these things happened, but they all did happen, so I will list them in no particular order. No doubt other things happened too, but I either can’t remember them or don’t want to remember them.

We had a trip to the Palace of Versailles. I had a song by John Cale called “The Hall of Mirrors In The Palace At Versailles” so I was a bit more interested about this trip than I would otherwise have been, but not much. I seem to remember having a hot drink in some café somewhere as part of this trip and it may have been raining.

We went on a trip to some church that was up a hill and the roads were cobbled. I bought a hot dog in a French stick with mustard on it. It was the first time I had eaten one of those things and I enjoyed it very much.

On one of the coach trips the coach took us through the main red light district. We were all fascinated and gawped at all the prostitutes.

There was a group of girls from a school in Bath staying at our hotel. We got friendly with them and I got friendly with a girl called Daphne who had a big jumper with a banana on it (like the Velvet Underground album cover) that her Gran had knitted for her. I remember she slept in our room on the last night and I let her sleep in my bed while I slept on the floor - I hadn't forgotten that I was meant to be seeing the girl from the disco again once I got back home and wasn’t about to be unfaithful to a girl I wasn’t yet going out with.

Me when I was a bit of a hippy in Paris

We went to the Pompidomp Centre and there were various buskers and street acts going on outside, which I found pretty cool. I saw a French hippy with a really nice multi-coloured striped hat on and I tried to ask him where he got it from, because I wanted one just like that, but he couldn't speak English and I couldn’t say much in French so I had to give up none the wiser.

We wanted to get some booze to drink in our hotel room one night so I went out and successfully procured a small bottle of Pernod in my best French (which wasn’t saying very much). I then tried to by a bottle of Lemonade and could only manage "Je voudrai un boitaille de lemonade pour to take out" which just brought me a blank stare. I can't remember what we ended up drinking with the Pernod.

The Hotel didn't do food at night, but it did do breakfast (as far as I remember). All our other meals were eaten at the Moulin Rouge restaurant and we paid with vouchers we had been given when we checked into the hotel.

One night I was looking in a shop window and I noticed a man dressed as a cowboy standing next to me. He had very tight jeans on and he had something that looked like it may have been a truncheon inside the jeans going down one leg almost as far as his knee. I was pretty sure it must have been a truncheon – I certainly wasn’t about to hang around to find out.

A couple of guys went into a strip club and got fleeced by being made to buy an extortionately priced drink each and to make matters worse they reported that the stage was empty for the whole time they were in there.

By the end of the trip I felt pretty pleased with myself because I had learned all I needed to know about buying and using underground tickets in Paris.

That is about all I remember apart from the fact that I didn't manage to find a shop selling Gong bootlegs, but I did find and buy a couple of official Gong albums that I didn't already have.

Dag 899: What level of standby do you use?

A few weeks ago I was listening to radio 4 on my way into work.
It was the Today Show and they were discussing how bad it was to keep your electrical goods (such as televisions and DVD players) on standby mode when not in use. There was an expert being interviewed who was basically saying you must always turn everything off fully and never leave them on standby because it is much better for the environment.
The presenter asked her what you should do if you have an item that loses its memory settings when it is switched right off.
The expert replied that in such cases it is ok to leave the item on standby, but make sure it is on a very very low level of standby.

I don't know about you, but none of my electrical items have levels of standby, as far as I know. Maybe they do but I just haven't found the setting switch yet. Maybe all my electrical stuff is set with its standby level to ultra high so that they actually use more electricity when they are on standby than they do when they are switched on.

My advice to you is to go round and turn down all you standby levels to the minimum possible value.

Dag 891: det spelar ingen roll

You may have noticed that I have been providing occasional sustenance for those living in a world devoid of quality biopic film reviews by delivering timely reviews at critically opportune moments, thus helping the film going public in general. However, you may also have noticed that while I have been paying homage to the genre of film I have been sadly neglecting the humble book.

This is probably because I haven't read a book (i.e. a fictional story) for around 2 years and this blog has only been around for about that length of time. It is a shame I haven't read one for so long because It is quite possible that in my lifetime I have read more books then I have seen films (though it is also possible that I have seen more films than read books - I've no idea one way or the other to be honest) but, regardless of that, I feel, it is about time we had an official björkbjiggler book club posting.

I have been interested in books since the very first time I became interested in them and have always had one on the go. The thing with books is that it isn't just reading them that is enjoyable, but it is just as much fun buying them and looking at them on your bookshelf. The contents of a persons bookshelf probably says a lot about the person whose books they are.

I may not have finished a book for the last 2 years, but I have had one on the go for the whole time. I started reading it during my last holiday in Spain and haven't yet finished it. I have bought quite a few books since that one, but I can't start reading a new book until I've finished the previous one (in fact that statement is not quite true, it should read - I can't start a new fiction book until I have finished the current fiction book - I am allowed to read non fiction books while I am still reading a fiction book because they don't interfere with the plot). The book I currently have on the go is Detective Inspector Huss by Helene Tursten and there are 3 main reasons why I haven't yet completed it:

1) It is a bit heavy going - this allowed options 2 and 3 to creep in via the back door (as it were)
2) Sudoku - I used to read on the plane each week, but then I started doing sudoku instead
3) Family Guy - I used to read in bed every night until I discovered Family guy and now I watch and episode or 2 of that instead

So I am in a pretty sad state of affairs, book wise, but this week I have decided to break the stagnation and get back into books again ("hooray" I hear you cheering). And I have just bought 3 books and 4 cds to celebrate my return to literary prowess.

Now for the science part:
So how did I come to be reading a book that is a bit heavy going? Because it is set in Sweden and written by a Swedish Author, of course - nincompoop. Almost all the books I have read over the last 5 years have been releated to Sweden or Scandinavia in some way (they have also all been detective novels).

Now for the book review part:

Last week I bought 3 books and 4 cds, but I also bought a cd and a dvd in Sweden recently so I'll include those here as well:

The Books (3 for the price of 2 at waterstones):

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time: Adult Edition (Paperback) by Mark Haddon

This was recently recommended by Adrian and I had actually thought about buying it when it first came out after hearing about it on a radio 4 program. At that point I had never heard of Aspergers so had no interest in it from that perspective and I also didn't like to think that a dog had been killed, so I didn't buy it at the time. However I have become interested in Aspergers over the last few months, and have been reading a good book about it on the train over the last week or so, so now seemed like a good time to get over the fact that a dog had been killed and get the book.
The first thing I noticed about the book is that the first chapter is chapter 2. I think that is really funny so I know I am going to really enjoy the book and I can't wait to start reading it properly - the trouble is I haven't finished my current book yet. I tried to find my current book last night, so I could try and rush through it, but couldn't. Maybe if I can't find the book that means I can go on and read this one - I would just have to make sure that if I ever did find that book I threw it out straight away.

There is also a children's version of this book which I may buy for my children.

The Man who Smiled by Henning Mankell (paperback)

This is the latest of the Inspector Wallander novels to be released in english, but it is not the latest in the series - it is from earlier on. It annoys me a bit when they do this because I like to read books in the correct order. I bought all the other Henning Mankell books as soon as they were released in English in hardcover, but I didn't get this one straight away so it is paperback. It is also the first time I have watched the film of the book before reading the book. I bought the DVD of this (Mannen Som Log) when I went to Stockholm with Adrian last year to see a Kent concert. While I was buying this DVD he was probably in some park in Stockholm pretending to be a tree or something. You may have noticed him. Anyway, I really enjoyed watching the film. This is one of those stories where nothing particularly spectacular happens but it was great all the same. Reading this book after watching the film will be a bit strange. I can't think of any time when I have watched the film before reading the book - it has always been the other way round.

Calling Out For You by Karin Fossum (paperback)

This is the fourth book in this series. I have the other three but have only read the first two so far. I really enjoyed the ones I have read so far they seem very true to life rather than the exagerated thenes you tend to see in Hollywood films and I felt I could really imagine what made the characters tick. I admire the fact that she doesn't just write about normal people with happy normal lives but includes a variety of characters (e.g. criminals and mental problems etc) and she really makes you feel you know where they are coming from and why they make the decisions they do. Nestor tells me I must move on now.

The CDs (from cdon.com - I've always had good service and really quick delivery from this company):

Eskobar by Eskobar (CD)

I've only listened to a couple of tracks from this so far. They were fairly mellow and acoustic rather than rocky, but hopefully there will be some rocky ones in there too. When I bought my first Eskobar CD (There's only now) I got into most of the tracks pretty quickly with the remainder taking a while to get into. The next one I bought (A thousand last chances) took me much longer to get into and I suspect this one may be the same. Not that it matters, because I always enjoy the process of getting used to music by a great band (which Eskobar certainly are). I haven't managed to get to see then live yet, but they are on my list.

Liebeling by Andrea Johnson (cd)

There was a track by Andreas Johnson on a trigger happy TV soundtrack cd I bought years ago and I had been thinking about getting this cd ever since, but never got round to it until I saw this at cdon.com for 4.95 euros so I thought now was the time to get it. I have only listened to the first track so far, and I played it 5 times in a row - glorious! I'm sure I'll get round to playing the rest at some point.

Äventyr EP by Eva Dahlgren (CD)

This is the first of the new batch of CDs that I listened to. It is the first new Eva Dahlgren music I'd heard for years and I was a bit worried that her music may not have been as good as it used to be. However I really enjoyed it but the downside is that it reminded me I have not managed to go to a concert of hers yet and don't know what prospect there is of me ever managing it. When I was last in Sweden it was announced that she was playing at a free concert in Stockholm 2 days after I was due to fly back home - bummer!

Snö by Eva Dahlgren (copy protected CD)

After enjoying the EP it was time to move on to the album. Eva Dahlgren's last studio album (Lai lai) was release around 6 years ago and was so good that I just didn't see how she could ever produce anything even half as good again, so I didn't buy this when it first came out last year - I was scared of listening to it. I started off with the first few tracks and thought it sounded good, but nothing special, but as the album progressed it just seemed to get better and better and during track 9 (Det som bär mig nu) I felt the same as when I first listened to Lai Lai. That tracks was as good as anything on Lai lai and I have played it many times since. The album as a while is reaqlly growing on me butg I just have to keep going back to track 9 again and again. In conclusion a fantastic album and easily up to par with the ground breaking Lai lai.

If you haven't heard any music by Eva Dahlgren buy Lai lai (if you can get hold of it and Snö.

It doesn't matter if you can't understand the words because the music is out of this world.

Buy them and you will know. And then buy some jewelrey by Efva Attling.

The Swedish purchases:

Favoriter på Svenska by Shirley Clamp (CD)

Some years ago when I was browsing in the music/DVD section of NK I noticed that I really liked the music they were playing. They had a stand on the counter marked "Nu Spelas" which had 6 empty CD cases on it. So while I listened to the music I examined the 6 cd boxes to see if I could work out which was the one that was currently playing. I could have simply asked someone, but I didn't feel up to taking the easy option, so I carried on trying to work it out. I ended up thinking that the most likely one was Den Långsamma Blomman by Shirley Clamp so I risked it and bought it. When I got chance to play it I realised I was right. This music is probably well and truly classified as pure pop music and it is not a genre of music I would normally touch with a barge pole, let alone listen to, but it had something different about it that I really liked - in fact you could say it had a certain "quelle heure est-il" about it. Shortly after buying this we went on holiday to Spain and this CD never left the cd player of our hire car. The music is really uplifting (apart from "Jag fick lånar en Ängel" which can reduce you to tears even if you can't understand what she is singing) and goes really well with the hot, bright sun and holiday atmosphere. Every time we played the CD after our holiday it reminded us if the holiday. So on our next trip to Sweden I bought her next CD (Lever mina Drömmar) and that one stayed in the CD for our last Spannish holiday and now reminds us of that one. Our last Spanish holiday was two years ago (which is when I started reading my last novel) so when we went to Sweden this year the first thing I did in the NK music section was to look and see if there was a new Shirley Clamp CD to take with us to Spain this year - there was, so I bought it.

This one is different from the others because all the songs are cover versions. I even thought I may not like it, but as soon as the first song came on I knew I was wrong. The album isn't as upbeat as the last two, but the songs are great and are made so much greater by her fantastic voice. The CD opens with her version of "It must have been love" by Roxette . The original song is great and very well known, but this version just seems to take it to a whole new level. The only downside to the CD is the inclusion of a Leo Sayer song - but that is easily skipped and the rest is great. The highlights are:

- När kärleken föds - It must have been love by Roxette

- Öppna din dörr - I've never heard the original version, but it seems to be by Tommy Nilsson

- Tro - Tro by Marie Fredriksson (fantastic song - Marie is also the singer with Roxette)

- Hur sköra vi är - Fragile by Sting

I am already looking forward to driving thorugh Spain with the windows open and this CD blending in with the hot spanish air (though the other Shirley Clamp CDs will also be getting another airing too).

Steget Efter by Henning Mankell (DVD)

I haven't watched this DVD yet, it is still sealed in its wrapper. I am really looking forward to seeing it, but I want to wait until a really good time to see it. I may save it until we are on holiday and watch it on my laptop. This is based on the book One Step Behind by Henning Mankell and it was while reading this book that I realised just how good his books were. While I was reading this book I thought it was the best book I have ever read. When I watch this I will have an ice cold Absolut Vodka with sprite and a bowl or two of top quality snacks. .

"It doesn't matter how we cry our tears,
the answer is a whisper in a far away world."

Dag 863: The case of the metallic case

Once upon a time I booked some plane tickets for a trip to Sweden, using my air miles, a year in advance. When you use air miles you still have to pay the tax and this particular airline charges your credit card, for the tax, a couple of weeks before you fly rather than at the time of booking. There was a slight problem here because my credit cards all expired before the charge would be made so I picked the one I wanted to use and made a mental note that I would need to ring them once my new card arrived to ensure they had the correct details when it came to take the tax payment from it.

The only flights I had been able to find that I could use my air miles on had been Manchester to Stockholm via Copenhagen. I would rather have had direct flights but I'd flown via this route a few times before and Copenhagen has a very nice airport so I wasn't too bothered.

A couple of months later I got a call from the airline saying they had changed the time of the connecting flight so I would no longer get to Copenhagen soon enough to make my connection and could I book a different flight. There didn't seem to be any convenient alternative, but then she said "do you need to go via Copenhagen or would you consider a direct flight?" I said I would be happy to take a direct flight and the booking was changed accordingly. This was pretty good, apart from the fact that we now would be staying only 4 nights instead of 6 - but it would at least mean that we didn't spend so much money on the hotel. Which, I then reminded myself, I hadn't booked yet. The last few years we had stayed at the Scandic Hasselbacken Hotel on Djugården. It is in a nice quiet location next to Skansen and various other places the kids (and I) like to go to and it is also next to a ferry terminal so it was great to have a few drinks in the patio area in the early evening before taking the ferry to one of the restaurants in Gamla Stan. Each previous year we had booked direct with the hotel but this time I was determined to try and book online through one of those websites that gets you discounted rates. Over the following weeks I checked various websites, but most didn't have a decent way of specifying how many kids you had and how you wanted them to sleep (i.e. cots, foldaway beds etc). The ones that did let you say how many kids you had kept coming back with "This exceeds the maximum occupancy for this hotel", but I knew it didn't because we had stayed there loads of times before. I decided to put this off for a while.

I then thought it was time to look up the booking on the airline website to make sure it was still in order. I went to the "my bookings section" and there in bold letters was a single booking for a return trip from Manchester to Copenhagen. My heart sank as I clicked on it to open it up, but in the details it said Manchester to Stockholm so it seemed ok, so my heart rose again. I rang them up, just to be sure, and they reassured me that the booking was from Manchester to Stockholm, and as I had acquired more air miles by then I decided to upgrade the outward trip to business to make up for the fact that it was going to be a shorter trip than I had wanted. (I should add that it is impossible for any trip I make to Sweden to be long enough).

Time passed and my new credit card arrived so I rang up again to explain that when I had originally booked the flight my card had a date that would expire before it would be charged so could I give them the new expiry date. They asked if I still wanted to use the same card, so I said yes and just gave them the new expiry date.

Now it was time to try and book the hotel again. I had another few weeks of trying to book online, but then decided to give up and book directly again. So we rang the hotel only to be told, "sorry we are fully booked at that time." We asked to be put on the waiting list and then had to think about another hotel. We had stayed at Stallmästaregården before which was in a fantastic location by a lake with loads of grass for the kids to play on and a decking area by the water to have drinks on, but it was not in a good location for visiting all the places we liked to go, so we really needed to find a different one. The main criteria was:

1. central location
2. outdoor space for the kids to play
3. somewhere to have a drink outside before dinner

The Hasselbacken seemed to be the only one that matched all three, with Stallmästaregården matching numbers 2 and 3.

So, we not only couldn't find a perfect hotel, but there was also the possibility that we wouldn't find any hotel at all.
When I was working in Sweden the sales manager for the client we were working for used to stay at the SAS Radisson Strand hotel which he rated very highly. We had walked passed it on loads of previous trips and thought it looked nice so we rang them up and they had a suite we could stay in. We booked it in the hope that The Hasselbacken would come back to us as this room was about twice the price we had wanted to pay. It only met number 1 in the above criteria, but it had a lounge for the kids to play in, it overlooked the water, was extremely central and just round the corner from NK, which is one of my favourite shops in Stockholm.

It got closer to the day of our holiday and the Hasselbacken didn't phone, but I began to look forward to staying in a waterfront suite in the Radisson Strand hotel.

We were due to travel out on a wednesday and the sunday before I logged into the website to check my booking status. Sure enough there was the Manchester to Copenhagen heading so I clicked on it and then the browser froze. I waited for something to happen and eventually it came back with "no booking found". I tried going to a different screen and coming back to this one, but it would no longer display the "Manchester to Copenhagen" heading. I tried logging out and back in again, but it just said "you have no bookings".

I began to wonder if I had accidentally clicked on the cancel booking button when I tried to view it.
I found their booking number and phoned only to get a message saying "we are only open monday to friday". There was nothing to do but wait for monday, but as this was a bank holiday I wasn't expecting to get hold of anyone, and sure enough I didn't. So it was now Tuesday (the day before we thought we were going to Sweden, I had checked the website loads of times and it just said "no bookings found". I rang them up and they said that the booking was absolutely fine, nothing to worry about and we don't know why it isn't showing up on the website. So I could relax again.

The next morning we got up very early because the last 2 years we had nearly missed the flight due to being stuck in traffic on the way to the airport.

The flight was at 10:00 and we drove into the airport grounds at 08:00 - loads of time.

The first thing we notice is the sign listing the terminals. My wife asks which one we are going from. Oops - I am used to flying from Leeds Bradford which only has 1 terminal and I had completely forgotten that Manchester has more than one. I remembered that the terminal we went from before was not on the ground floor and there was a ramp up to the door for cars to use. I drove around and saw a ramp going up by Terminal 2. Ok then, that's that one sorted ok we are flying from Terminal 2. I followed the road sign to Terminal 2 long stay car park and drove in around 08:15. At 08:30 we were still driving round looking for a parking space and so were about 10 other cars. At 08:45 I was about to drive the car onto a bit of pavement and park it there when a car pulled out of a space and I zoomed into it before anyone else could spot it. Next job was to get everybody out of the car and get us and the cases to the bus stop which had a bus just pulling up to it.

We tried to make it, but the bus drove off just before we got there. I looked at the sign and it said the buses travel every 15 minutes. I was beginning to feel that familiar feeling of their being a possibility of not making the flight.

15 minutes went by and 2 buses drove into the car park. The first on said Terminals 1 and 3 and the second said Terminal 2. Both buses drove around the entire car park at walking pace before coming to our stop. We clambered onto the second bus with all the bags and push chair etc and I said to the driver - SAS go from terminal 2 don't they? "Nope, they go from terminal 1 - you should be on that bus" he said, pointing at the bus that was just pulling away. I said that I guess they must have changed terminal as last time we went it was from terminal 2 - I remembered because it had a ramp. The driver told me that they hadn't changed and both terminals 1 and 2 had ramps. I thought we were going to have to get off and wait another 15 minutes for the next bus, but the driver said he would drop us off at the station which was near terminal 1 and we just needed to go on the moving walkway.

He did this and we finally rolled up at the check in desks while they were still open, though we had wanted to get some breakfast and feed the baby before boarding the plane so we were far from relaxed. Fortunately as I have a gold card we could join the express check in queue and hopefully make up a bit of time.

Even though I had been reassured that our booking was ok, I was still a little worried that there was something wrong with it due to it not showing up on the web site, so it was a big relief when, after handing my Eurobonus card over to the check-in guy he started printing off stickers to go on the cases and sending them off down the conveyer belt. Once they had all gone he asked me for our tickets. I explained that I had booked these on an e-ticket so didn't have any. He replied that the booking showed that we had been issued with paper tickets and we needed to give them top him. He suggested that maybe they had been left for us at the ticket desk so I went and joined the queue there. By the time it was my turn there were only a couple of people still checking in at the desks. I asked if there were any tickets for me to collect, but there weren't. I gave my booking reference and the lady looked it up. She said there was an e-ticket assigned for a 10 month old baby, but nothing else.

I explained that I had booked them online a year ago and had been rung up to change the booking and that it had disappeared from the website, but that I had been re-assured that everything was ok.

So a phone call was made and then I was told that my credit card had failed authorisation so the tickets hadn't been issued (apart from the baby one as this was completely free). I couldn't understand this, so I gave my credit card to the lady who spoke on the phone again for a bit and then said that the number of this one didn't match the number of the one that they had used. I seemed that when I had given them the new expiry date I had forgotten which card I had originally used and so the new date didn't match that card. They tried it again and this time it went through and the tickets were issued.

By now everyone had finished checking in and they said we must go straight to the plane (gate 25) - thus no time to feed the baby or buy any duty free.

We raced off and joined the back of a monster queue through security screening. I noticed there was a little door manned by a man which seemed to be some sort of express screening line. I asked if we could go through and he said ok so we raced through, raced past the booze shop and raced on towards gate 25. We rushed past gate 23 which was half way through boarding and stopped at gate 25 where people were just sitting around waiting. After a few minutes of this there appeared to be no immediate prospect that people were about to start boarding so I decided to run back to the shop to get a couple of bottles of Verve Cliquot (2 for £40) which we would certainly need that night to recover from the stress endured this far.

As I ran back past gate 23 I noticed the last few passengers going onto the plane. That must be the Copenhagen flight I thought to myself.

I got to the shop picked up the dual pack of Verve Cliquot and joined the queue at the till. There was 1 till open with 1 lady behind it and about 5 other members of staff standing around, presumably making sure people aren't pinching stuff. The queue seemed to move very slowly and finally there was only 1 guy in front of me, He had a bottle of expensive looking cognac. "Can I have your boarding card please" she asked him in a very slow voice. He handed it over and she waited a bit and said "Were did you get the bottle from". He pointed to the area where booze is extra cheap, but only for people going outside Europe. So now I had to wait while she showed him where he should have got the bottle from, but thankfully he decided he didn't want to pay that much so it was finally my turn. She served me in the slowest way possible as my stress levels increased.

I ran back to gate 25, but slowed down as I got there because they still hadn't started boarding. By now I was panting and my mouth was completely dry and in desperate need for some water, and I also needed to go to the toilet. I looked to see were the toilet was and noticed that the sign by gate 25 said Copenhagen. I looked back to gate 23 and it said Stockholm. I looked at the boarding cards, but they did say get 25.

We raced back to gate 23 just as they were starting to call our names over the tannoy system.

As we boarded the plane we wondered if something was trying to tell us that we should be going on this holiday at this time.

Te flight went very well and I was felling much better when we landed and left the plane. My usual excitement of being in Sweden had returned and I no longer cared about anything outside of my Swedish bubble.

We went to the conveyer belts and grabbed our bags as they came off. Eventually we had all but the big silver metallic one and no more bags were coming out. There was a big metallic case on the belt, but it looked nothing like ours apart from that. It had bigger wheels that ours, it had stickers and labels on it, where ours had none and it was a different shape than ours.

When out case was weighed it had a heavy bag label fixed to the handle so I wondered if it might need to be collected from the outsize luggage area. I went over there but it wasn't there and I asked at the lost luggage counter if it would come out somewhere else if it was heavy, but they said no it would come out on the normal belt.

I went back to the normal belt, but our case still hadn't come out and the other metallic case was still there.

I decided we had better go to the lost luggage section and my wife said she thought someone must have taken our case instead of their own one. I thought they must have been pretty short sighted to have done that. My wife decided that as this case contained all here stuff, if it didn't arrive we would be going straight back home on the next flight. We got to the counter and I reported our case as being lost. My wife mentioned that she thought somebody may have taken out case instead of their own as there was a single metallic case left on the belt. The lady asked me to go and get it so she could put out a call in case they were still inside the airport. At this stage we began to worry about the fact that we had not put our name or address on our case.

I arrived back at the belt and noticed our case was standing next to the wall opposite the belt. I grabbed it and raced back to the desk. All was well so we went to find the taxi rank feeling at one with the world. And after I managed to conduct the whole taxi getting transaction in Swedish I felt even more at one with the world. In fact I have never felt more at one with the world than when I am in Sweden, so you could say I was actually feeling at one with Sweden.

The hotel was great, the view from our room was fantastic, and the remainder of our holiday was great.



As well as visiting the usual places:
Junibacken
Skansen
Aquaria Vattenmuseum
Grönalund
NK
Solo (for my jeans and t-shirts) - interesting review here
Sally's Bar
we also went on a boat trip to Fjäderholmarna, where we hadn't been before, which has a great pirate ship for the kids to play on, really nice views over the water to other islands and also a fantastic workshop with all sorts of amazing wood carvings. We had a really long chat with the guy who made everything and he gave me a tiny bit of wood that had come from the handle of a Viking axe that had been found buried in the mud under the water at the edge of the island. I could quite happily have spent the whole day on that island.



We also got round the missing hotel criteria by visiting a bar by the waters edge near the bridge to djurgården that had a big grassy area for the kids to play on and a place for us to sit right on the waters edge. We went everyday and ate there on the last day before heading back to the airport.



I have noticed on few visits to Stockholm at around this time of year that students celebrate their graduation by piling onto the back of lorries decorated in branches and driving round dancing, waving and screaming at passers by. It looks a lot of fun - I wish I had graduated in Sweden and then been driven round on the back of a lorry wearing a sailors hat and drinking and shouting at passers by. I wonder if I could do a similar thing in Harrogate?



Even though it was now more than a couple of years since I had been to my Swedish classes in Edinburgh and I hadn't had that much chance to practice, I felt that I had managed to speak much more Swedish on this trip than any of my previous ones.

We also managed to solve the mystery of the metallic case on our return to Manchester Airport. As we watched our metallic case come towards us the guy standing next to us grabbed it off the belt. I told him it was my case and he then said he had done exactly the same in Stockholm the previous Wednesday, and sure enough along came the other metallic looking case that had been left on the belt by itself at Arlanda Airport. Once he had reclaimed his proper case we got chatting and found he and his wife also visit Sweden every year.

I won't even bother going through the hassle we then had getting from terminal 1 back to the terminal 2 long stay car park.

Dag 824: Milk Lemonade Chocolate

Everything has changed.

The car has moved south and the keyboards are in the cupboard.

Even while the cats are trying to get in through the back door the weekly woss weport is receding into the desert of nightmares.

All that manages to crawl its way back to the interspace is a drabble of half forgotten flashbacks.

Tonight we managed to catch a bit of Shatner and most of Wobbie Williamson. Mr Shatner was being a bit left field and Mr Williamson was going on about playing football in a left over football field. I have never liked football and as tonights Woss show has finished I am watching my new dvd of The Mighty Boosh series 2 instead.

I saw a few bits of the last 2 Woss shows but I was too tired to turn it into weekly woss weports at the time, so I made a concerted effort to store what I had seen somewhere in the vast recesses of my, as yet, uncharted mind. Unfortunately they seem to have become lost for the time being so

Dag 795: I've never done good things

I have been working at a television company on some project or something for some time now. I used to work in a big room full of people with about 10 TVs at the front showing various TV channels. Usually it was sport and Australian aerobics, but one day about 2 and a half years ago it was decided that there wasn't enough available power for the computers so any non essential bit of kit that ran off electricity would need to be switched off and so all of the TVs were switched off never to be seen on again.

So it remained until about 1 month ago. By this time I was working in another room which was much smaller. There was 1 portable TV in here, but it only got switched on at night so when I was on the night shift I could watch Sinefeld, the simpsons or futurama. But about a month ago the TV was moved down to my end of the room and started being switched on during the day. Rather than showing sports channels the TV was tuned into music channels so I have been watching music videos for some weeks and it had been a revelation. When I was about 17 I used to listen to John Peel on the radio at night. I heard all the latest songs and knew pretty much all I needed to know about what groups were hot an which were goats. As I got older I started only listening to the music I liked. I bought all the albums produced by the groups I liked, but I never heard anything new as I never listened to the radio any more.

In the last few weeks I have heard many groups that I previously knew nothing about and I now feel I am getting back to my original status of knowing more about what groups are cool than anyone else.

Only this afternoon before leaving work, as well as hearing Mr Blunt telling us about his semi by the sea, I saw the video of "Don't forget to white your weekly woss weport" by Coldplay.

As usual I missed the beginning - but not as much as I usually miss.

First up is Mr Sir Tom Jones of Lady's knickers fame.

It seems Sir Tom is 65 years old but still going strong in the old tonsils department. He seems to have done pretty well of late as he is one of the few older performers that still seems to be considered cool.

Mr Woss showed a clip of Tom doing the song obla dee obla da, which reminded me that I had the single of this song, but mine was sung by a group called Marmalade. I remember it had an orange label, but I can't remember what the B side was.
I can't remember what the first single I ever bought was, but the first album I ever bought was Hunky Dory by David Bowie and the first 12 inch single I bought was Marquee Moon by Television. Both of these were played to death and were major influences on my life.

Soon after this Mr Jones leaves and Mr Woss starts talking about Tom Cruise and then goes on to relate the story of Xenu that Scientologists of level 3 and above seem to believe in.

This is followed by some footage of a stripper who just happens to be the next guest. It seems that she is the number 1 burlesque stripper of modern times and I suppose I'm not really in a position to argue against that as stripping is not currently one of my specialist subjects.

I've never done bad things.

I'm not sure if I have missed something but I think that Mr Woss may have just said that this stripper is married to Marilyn Manson.

The stripper has now left and Wossy is talking about the time he had a video camera up his bottom and they videod it. This reminds me of an episode of Jonathan Creek. Now he has decided to show the video accompanied by music from Sigur Ros. I can think of other things I would rather see to the music of Sigur Ros.

Now it is the final guest - Mr Graham Norton. I first came across Mr Norton on Father Ted. I think he has been on 2 or 3 episodes and at the time Father Ted was just about my favourite comedy on TV. I recorded the whole of series 3 on video and I used to watch it ever night when I went to bed for about 18 months around 2000. I haven't watched any Father Ted for some year so so maybe it is time to watch them all over again.

They are talking about some new program on TV presented by Mr Norton that is some sort of dancing competition or other. Some sort of follow on from come dancing or something - not my cup of tea so I think I will concentrate on trying to write the opening as I haven't thought of what to put yet. Up until now you may have thought that I write that bit first, but that is not the case - I regularly write the opening seg-way after I have written the actual Woss Weport. This is what is known as a trick of the trade and normally we are not allowed to tell people about these, but I have never been one to keep to the code of the magic circle, so now you know.

The show ended with a new song by Mr Jones which sounded ok to me, though I won't be rushing out to buy it in a hurry.

I've never done anything out of the blue.

Dag 788: The post that hurts the most

The car was stuck behind behind 2 caravans and a lorry and progress was slow. The driver noticed that a green car had appeared behind him and was giving the appearence of impatience. The car seemed to be full of people and heavily laden.
The driver was not able to pass any of the vehicles in front of him and the green car was not able to pass him.
Eventually the winding road reached the motorway and the green car overtook the driver, who noticed that it appeared to be so heavily laden that the wheels seemed to be almost touching the wheel arches.
The green car was in the middle lane and had to brake as a lorry pulled out infront of it. The driver was picking up speed in his smart car and pulled into the overtaking lane passing both the green car and the lorry that had slowed it down.

The smart car carried on and the driver had forgotten all about the green car until about 15 minutes later he saw it in the rear view mirror. It looked like it was almost scraping the motorway under the weight of its load. It gradually caught up with the smart car and pulled into the overtaking lane. As it slowly passed the smart car the driver noticed that the passengers were watching the smart car and making hand gestures and shuffling body movements that suggested they were all willing the green car to be able to overtake the smart car. It took a while, but eventually the green car passed the smart car and pulled in front of it. The green car seemed to be going flat out as it stayed just infront of the smart car. The smart driver thought that maybe the green car hadn't liked being overtaken by a humble smart and wanted to assert its place in the car food chain by staying in front of the funny toy like smart car. After about 10 minutes the smart driver noticed that a bit of smoke seemed to be coming from one of the front wheels of the green car. He couldn't tell whether this was from the tire rubbing on something or coming from the engine. It had only been a wisp, but the smart pulled back a bit as he thought that this green car was probably driving a bit too hard and may be about to break down.

The smart car followed the green car for a few more miles and then suddenly a much thicker plume of smoke came from the green car and it slowed down, indicated and pulled onto the hard shoulder. The smart driver drove past and wondered what would become of the green car and its occupants. Were they on there way to a weekend away? Would the trip be over for them, or would they still make it to their destination. Would the car still have broken down if it hadn't been overtaken by that humble smart car? As these questions went through the mind of the driver a large motorway sign loomed up.

As the sign came into view the driver noticed the message made up of giant orange pixels "weekly woss weport next exit".

As so often happens he missed both the exit and the start of the show.

For me the show began with the tail end of some woman being interviewed and I have no idea who she is. No doubt I could find out with a quick diversion to google, but I think I prefer not to know.

So by the time I was sitting comfortably Mr Woss was talking about some drunk chimp giving him the finger. This was followed by Johnny Vegas doing what the chimp did (from the back room) and then it was his turn to come up to the desk of Woss. I find Johnny Vegas a really funny guy - I have seen quite a few episodes of ideal and really enjoyed it. It is currently on my list of DVDs to purchase. Whatever Mr Vegas says it always makes me laugh and tonight it was no different.

Next up was Joan Collins. I wasn't really very interested in hearing what she had to say so I spent the time catching up on emails and seeing if any more people had been visiting my myspace page. I now have 15 friends and my songs have had a total of 261 plays (even though 251 of those are probably from me visiting the page I can still kid myself that loads of people have been listening to them).

The show ended with not one but two songs by the red hot Chile peppers- I'm afraid they did not pass the old grey whistle test as far as I was concerned and were, in my view, what is sometimes referred to as rubbish. And the fact that they jumped around a lot didn't get them any extra kudos as far as I was concerned.

This morning I had seen that there was going to be some sort of religious type easter show in Manchester tonight and it was to be shown on BBC2. This didn't really catch my attention until they mentioned that it would contain music from Manchester groups including Joy Division and New Order, so I thought that might be a good thing to watch a bit of once Mr Woss had finished his stuff.

Changing the station to channel 2 was with me the work of a moment and I joined the program halfway through Blue Monday by New Order. It sounded pretty good with acoustic instruments. All in all I think it was a really good idea to put this show on and it certainly looks like plenty of people have turned up to see it. The only down side to it is the religious element which kind of puts me off, as I don't go in for all that stuff, but I still think it is a pretty good idea - if that can make sense.
I used to be a student in Manchester and have never been back since, but seeing the square brought back quite a few memories of those days.
In fact having watched this for a bit now, the religious elements are putting me off - even though I think the music is pretty good.

While I was driving back from Scotland today I was thinking about how people can believe that a god exists. It seems to me that if there was a god who had created the earth and all the creatures on it, if he was such a good god he would have created all creatures as vegetarians so that no creature had any need to harm or kill any other one. Various animals have various skills that help them survive, such as fur that blends in with the landscape. If god made them like this it seems to me that he/she was playing some sort of sadistic game whereby the animals that are considered prey get a bit of a chance of not being killed by the stalkers. Its a bit like those films where the baddies let their prey have a head start and then go after them.

Anyway that's enough religious talk - anyone would think it was some sort of religious day or something.

Dag 781: This is not my voice

For some golfing type of reason Jonathan Ross is not on BBC1 tonight so as an alternative they have put Tarrent on TV on ITV instead.

Last week I went into the co-op in East Calder and after choosing my items I joined the queue at the checkout. An old lady in front of me had a £10 note in her hand and her total came to £4.85. She handed over the tenner and the lady on the till said "you haven't got a £5.00 note have you as we have run out".
The old lady said "No sorry this is all I have".
So the lady at the till said "ok I'll have to give you your change in pound coins".
This sent the old Lady into a mild panic and she said "Oh dear, I might have a pound coin in my purse, if I give you that will it help?"
The lady at the till said "no, I need a £5 note".
The old Lady then opened her purse and pulled out 1 £5 note and said "Oh, I didn't know I had that fiver that I did'nae know I had".

I found that so amusing that I thought I would relate it here - of course all of this was said in a Scottish accent.

Tarrent on TV has now finished, but I am not too bothered as Dylan Moran in concert is on soon on channel 4.
I am very much looking forward to watching this as it was the very first program I watched in bed on the TV that we have in our bedroom (and I only caught the end of it first time round).

Paolo and I had come to the conclusion a few months ago that we didn't go to enough concerts anymore so we managed to organise a night out at a gig on Wednesday. We didn't manage to get as many people as we did at our Goldfrapp night out, but we made up for it in the amount of booze consumed.

The chosen gig of the night was at The Caberet Voltaire. It was a special aniversary gig featuring:
The Presets - nice pair of old Korgs
Xvectors - fronted by one of Paolo's drinking partners
The Blackouts - Their first gig, they played really well and were well received.

The night started out with a few Baltikas at the Blue Blazer and then it was onwards and upwards to The Cabaret Voltaire.
Once in the door Paolo and I rushed straight down to the stage while the others hung back. Though once I had refused to buy them a drink after The Blackouts set they soon saw the light and came down to the front to join us for a drink and the Xvectors. They really were good and I will see them again at the first chance I get.
Finally it was The presets who really got the crowd dancing.

I knew it was a good night because I didn't feel good the next day.

Dag 774: The lunatic was on the gwarse

The mist was swirling through the woods, causing me to stumble and trip over a hidden root.

So, without further ado, let me introduce tonights very special guests.
We've got:
Sir Alan Sugar - I don't think much of your program so you're fired
Tamsin Greig - I like her a lot, she has been in some tip top top of the range comedies (and she was also in an episode of Jonathan Creek)
Ant and Dec - Weddy to Wumble
music will be by - Gorilaz, in the mist

Mr Woss started off by showing us what a top internet buff he is by telling us how he surfed right onto the web site of My Morrissey Smith (the no show from last weeks show) and found that someone had posted a message onto his site saying what a good interview Morrissey had done and how great the 2 songs he sung were.

All I can say is that if Mr Woss was such a good internet buff he would have found this site by now and would be posting a Wjeekly Bjork Bjiggler Rjeport on his blog each week.

So Alan Suger came on, said some stuff and went off again. I didn't pay too much attention as I am not much of a high flying businessman and I hate wearing a suit. See me in a suit and you know I'm wishing I was somewhere else.

I'm glad all that stuff is over because now it is Tamsin so I can start paying attention. I used to know a girl called Tamsin Eskdale and she borrowed a triple LP off me by Godley and Creme and never returned it. I can't remember what it was called but it featured Peter Cook and Dudley Moore doing some pretty funny stuff between songs. I wouldn't mind that back if you are reading this Tamsin. And while we're on the subject - please can I have my skateboard back Heather. In fact could all the girls I know please return all the stuff you have of mine? Thankyou.

While we are on the subject of Black Books, the other week I saw the end of a Bill Bailey live show and he did an impression of Kraftwerk doing a german version of the Hokey Kokey which I found really good.

I've hardly finished writing this up and Wossy boy is kicking her off. I've never seen a guest be on such a short time. I pressume it is because those high flyers Ant and Dec up next.

The puffs and the piano sang lets get ready to rumble as they came on so they obviously have the same sense of humour as me.

Wossy and teh 2 boys have waffled on now for about 3 times as long as Tamsin was on and I can't really remember much that has been said, but right now thay are talking about some new film that is out featuring Ant and Dec. The film is called alien autopsey or something and the clip of it showed that it included somebody who has been in an episode of Black Books, so it might actually end up having a few decent bits in it - maybe.

As the show draws to a close we are informed that there will be no Jonathan Ross show next week, that of course meens there will also be no Weekly Woss Weport, so I'd better try and come up with something else instead.

Now it is time for the Gorilaz and although the song sounds pretty good and the band are joined by a childrens choir and various other live instruments, the 4 members of the band seem a bit wooden in their performance.

So Weekly Woss may be over, but if you want to carry on watching some music you could watch Georgie fame on BBC2 or the Gorilaz in concert on Channel 4.

I think I'll watch channel 4 (but I should add that I would rather be watching a film of the Cocteau Twins in concert).