Dag 635: The Horizon Bleeds And Sucks Its Thumb

The cold north wind was blowing through the trees and whistling like the ghosts of a long forgotten morning. The sound of a breaking twig caused me to start. I was trying to find my way out of the wood, but which ever way I went I ended up in the same glade. The moon hang low in the sky and I just couldn't get away from the ghosts that were following me. Once upon a time I was riding through the wood with my faithful dog and a friend who was running with weights on his feet. But now I just have these ghosts for company. One of the ghosts calls out names that could never be mine, while another writes names in the dust. A third ghost enters my dreams and promises me things that I know she can never give to me. She starts shaking me and I reach out, but can feel nothing. I hear her voice in amongst the sound of the wind. She says "Jeremy Clarkson is currently being interviewed by Jonathan Ross (pronounced Yonathan Woss) and you have to write all about it". This brings me back to reality, for I now realise that Jeremy has been on for ages and I haven't written about anything yet so I'd better get with the program and start the Weekly Woss Weport.

I have to admit that I like Jeremy Clarkson. He says quite a few conrtoversial things, but I don't care - he makes me laugh. He is currenlty smashing up some sort of Nissan Micra or somthing with a big hammer and I don't mind. You know Jeremy Clarkson could say just about anything he jolly well wanted and not only would I not care, but I would probably find it funny.

It is now the end of this interview so now we listen to Jonathen Woss telling us some ghostly paranormal story about some gas fire that started working while Harry Potter was being interviewed. This sprt of thing happens to me all the time.

Now we have the gorillas. They are some sort of pop group made out of cartoons, but it is really a front for Damien Albran out of Pulp. The song has a chorus of children singing and was probably inspired by the first song from the colour of spring by Talk Talk. The Talk Talk song is called "hapiness is easy" and I would say that the most difficult thing about being in a cartoon band is finding someone good enough to draw the cartoons in the first place. If I was in a band I wouldn't bother with the cartoons I'd just perform in person instead.

This Damian Cornflake guy is now saying that the live 8 concert was all about giving money to Africa and there was not a single Afican band performing at it. This is something that I have heard before about this concert. Another thing I have heard is that Hiwatt claimed in some advertising bumph that David Gilmore out of Pink Floyd used a Hiwatt custom 50 combo amp during the G8 concert, but in reality he was using 3 old Hiwatt valve heads and not a custom 50 at all. Do you know that to buy a brand new Hiwatt custom 50 costs almost £1200. That is a lot of money for an amplifier don't you think?

Thy are now showing a clip of Gorilaz on stage and I am pretty impressed with how they did it so Damian Weetabix has gine up in my estimation. He has just gone up even more because he said X Factor is crap. Anyone who thinks X factor is crap is alright by me. Now they are all saying they like the crazy frog so they have all dropped a few places in my chart of coolness.

Now it seems to be time for the final guest who is some kind of film actor called Patrik Swayze or something. They are showing him doing some dancing in a film called dirty dancing and I thing his dancing is rubbish. I think I could do better. Me and Simon Walsh used to do a really good dance when we were at a party of club that would have knocked the socks off what he did. He says he is 53 years old and has had no surgery. Well I am 41 years old, but I did have some surgery once as I had an ingowing toenail removed when I was 16 or 17. See, at least I am prepared to admit what cosmetic surgery I have had.

Now they are showing some scene out of a film with a man and a woman making some sort of clay pot and it makes me feel sick. People should not be allowed to make such contrived rubbish as this.

Now it is Antony and the Johnstons. I must admit that I like some of the songs that they have done, even though Johnston is an american word for penis. This particulet song has got Boy George in it so it is not as good as the other sonsg of theirs I have heard. Boy George once called into my Dad's old pub (the General Tarleton in Ferrensby) one lunchtime and the locals have a bet going as to whether he would go to the gents or the ladies.

And suddenly it is all over.

Dag 621: Down and Out

The sun shined obliquely in through the front windscreen of my car and onto my face causing me to wake with a start. Why had I been asleep in my car? Why was my car in the middle of a field? What had really happened after that Sigur Rós gig last night in the Corn Exchange. Had I really been talking to a tooth fairy? Or was that before the concert had started? Will I ever wear that t-shirt in a brown paper bag full of badges and stickers? What is the mystery behind the 3 labels where you would expect to see only 1? These questions, and many more, may never be answered because it's time for the reguler item to end all reguler items: The Weekly Woss Weport.

As usual I missed the openings, but I was ready in time for the introduction of the first guest, and it's someone from Eastenders. In my day the Jonathan (remember its pronounced Yonathan) Woss show didn't interview people off Eastenders. Either Mr Woss has sold out or someones been leaning on him. Sometimes when I fall in love I think that Eastenders is one of the worst programs on TV; do-do-do-do-do-dododo (that is the drums of the end of Eastenders for those who are too slow to keep up and realise that I am capable of writing some half decent prose now and again).

Shane Richey is wearing a suit and he is also wearing the sort of shoes that go with a suit. I hate wearing suits and I also hate wearing the sort of shoes that go with a suit. In fact I would go a bit further than that and say that me and Shane Richey (for it is he) have probably got nothing at all in common. If I ever go on the Jonathan Woss show I will not be wearing a suit and I will not be wearing the type of shoes that go with a suit. If Shane Richey ever wrote the Weekly Woss Weport I bet he wouldn't be wearing an old IBM RS6000 t-shirt either (if DJ is watching, an RS6000 is a type of car that is much faster than the one he has).

Now we have our second guest and it is Jimmy Carr, but he isn't being interviewed he's doing some kind of stand up routine. This is probably what some people would call subverting the form, but I don't.

Now he has ended his standup routine and realised that he should be sitting next to uncle jonathan because he realises he needs interviewed. Strangley enough, I don't seem to be able to take in anything that is being said. In fact, we may be half way through the show and I haven't reported anything that anyone has actually said. This is probably a really good format for an article reporting on a show in which the main aspect is people talking to each other.

Right, that's the end of Jimmy Carr and now we can get to hear all about Mr Gay International gay of the year show award. Aparently he beat off 25 other contenders.

Now it is the final guest before the band (don't know who they are yet) and it is 2 women called Cameren Diaz or something. I don't know why girls called Cameron Diaz always come in pairs, but they do, so get used to it. Jesus.

They are talking about some film or other and even though I have just seen the trailer for it I can't remember what it is called and I don't even care that I can't remember what it is called. Sometimes you have to realise that it is just time to let the past go and move on.

Did you know that Iceland has some geological formations that are unlike anything anywhere else on this earth or something?

These 2 Cameron Diaz type women are complaining that they aren't coming over as funny as Jimmy Carr did. What do ypu want ladies, jam on it? It's not my fault that you ain't funny. Get used to it and move on. That's what I say. Give me a bottle of Baltica every time.

You may wish to know that I did end up buying doom for a fiver and downloading it and I am currently on level 4. For all those with a W800i I woudl recommend buying it as it is well worth the money.

These Diaz women are now discussing burping. Get real ladies. One of them has admitted that she comes from Australia or something and has just done something with her thumb. Well you don't impress me, because I can do things with my thumb also.

Two drunk women are now putting makeup onto the face of Jonathan Ross. Rubbish daytime cable TV suddenly seems to hold all sorts of attractions. At last, they have finally finished and then it is time for the end of show band. I have just found out that it is Green Day, so we'll see what they have to offer. Ok - not much. Just because you happen to sing a rude word on the Jonathan Woss show doesn't mean you're going to get any creedence from this reviewer. Also, the drummer's hair is rubbish.

So, all in all, it wasn't the best Woss show and to cap it all the next one is in 2 weeks time.

To make up for this we shall extend this weeks Woss Weport to incorporate the Jules Holland Jule fest Report.

After reading the radio times last week, I was lead to believe that the show would include both Sigur Rós and John Cale, but following a fine performance from Paul Weller, Mr Holland intoduced the remaining bands and Mr Cale's name was not mentioned. That must mean something, but I am not prepared to speculate what it is here.

After Paul Weller it was Santana. They have now finished and someone else is singing. I didn't catch her name, so we'll have to sit this one out and wait for the next one. Next up is Sheryl Crow at the piano, but I'm getting tired now, and I'm taping this downstairs anyway so I can't be bothered to write anymore.

However, Mr Jules has just introduced one Mr John Cale, so I'd better just write a little more. Mr Cale is singing his current single off his current album. The single is called perfect and the album is called black acetate. I should, at this point, point out that John Cale has got the same kind of triangle of hair growing under his bottom lip that I have, only his is bigger.

Now Sheryl Crow is singing some song about crows while she plays a piano. Ok, the song may not be about crows, but as I'm not listening to words I can't actually tell what it is about. John Cale's song was about someone who is perfect for him. Lou Reed also wrote a song with perfect in the title, but his wasn't about a person.

If you want to hear about the rest of the show you will have to read it on someone elses blog, because with 10 minutes left before injury time I'm saying goodnight from me, and goodnight from the tooth fairy.

Vi ses imorgon.

Dag 614: rugged and wretched

Twas a dark and stormy night. The rain lashed down and the wind blew sideways. In a dark damp cave the 3 fugitives were huddling around the dying embers of the smoldering fire and wondering what they could do next. One of them spotted Harry Potter out of the corner of his eye and another one noticed a Scottish singer from Texas. The third one began to feel nervous. What kind of trickery could this be?

Well fear not good people, it is simply the Weekly Woss Weport and those 3 fugitives are merely a figment of your imagination.

Following a bit of banter to get both audience an guests feeling comfortable with each others sexuality, the first guest is on the podium. It is someone from Cheers (which is a TV program) and he is talking about being kidnapped by someone. This could be a bit disturbing for our younger readers so you may be advised to look away for this bit. But it does seem to end up ok because he got a cab or something.

Whenever someone tells something to Jonathan and then says I shouldn't have said that, Jonathan always says "It's ok no one noticed". He said it again tonight.

It seems that this ex cheers actor is into hemp in some way. All of his clothes are made out of it, but I can't say that I understand what point he is trying to get across. Personally, I really enjoyed all those shots that I had with Adrian in the Tapas bar on Gamla Stan, made by Michael the barman. I think my favourate was the liquid cocaine one (I had quite a few of those), but they were all pretty good.

I should add, at this point, that I am currently trying to do 3 things at once:
1) Watch the Jonathan Woss show so I can weport on it.
2) Do the actual typing up of the woss weport.
3) Tranfser all the stuff off my old P800 phone so I can take my sim out and put it into my new W800i, which will then enable me to switch it on for the first time. I don't even know what games its got on it yet.

Now it is time for a female Scottish singer, who I haven't got a hope of spelling her name correctly, so I won't even bother trying. She is rather nice, even if I have to say so myself. She is frae Glasgow, but she currently lives in London. She just said "deep fried pizza supper" which has probably caused a number of readers to go weak at the knees. Now she has said cockles and Jonathan Woss has asked her to say penis - which, in my opinion, is taking it too far. She would have been fully entitled to say "Woss - NO - that's taking it too far, gonni nae dee that". To which Woss would say "How?" and she would say "just gonni no - baw bag".

She just used a proper swear word, but they beeped it out, so I'm not sure which one it was - probably cunt.

Now she is talking about nearly getting a part in a film and having respect for actors, so she went down a bit in my estimation, be she recovered in an exemplary manner by rounding it off with "bend over and kiss my arse", you just don't get prose like that these days.

Now it is time for Harry Potter, so I'll get back to sorting out my new phone for a bit.

I've turned it on and all I can say so far is that it has a grand total of 0 decent games. Not much of a surprise there.
While trying to turn on Bluetooth so I can transfer my address book over I managed to find that doom is available for download for £5.00. I left it for now, but I am sure I'll end up downloading it as I do not like the idea of a new phone with no decent games on it.

Now the kaiser chiefs have come on. Old Wossy says they are from Leeds. the song was ok I suppose, bit when it finished you could hear one of them saying to another one that it sounded really good because either some engineer didn't tunr the mike down in time, or because they shouldn't have been speaking owing to the fact that the show has no policy for getting the mikes turned down after the band has finished playing.

Now it is time for the shining to be on. I've seen it before, but maybe I'll just watch it again while I try and find out how to sort my blue tooth out. Oh, and the other thing that is wrong with my phone is that it doesn't have Swedish on it - just a load of stupid languages that no bugger is ever going to want to learn to speak.