Dag 621: Down and Out

The sun shined obliquely in through the front windscreen of my car and onto my face causing me to wake with a start. Why had I been asleep in my car? Why was my car in the middle of a field? What had really happened after that Sigur Rós gig last night in the Corn Exchange. Had I really been talking to a tooth fairy? Or was that before the concert had started? Will I ever wear that t-shirt in a brown paper bag full of badges and stickers? What is the mystery behind the 3 labels where you would expect to see only 1? These questions, and many more, may never be answered because it's time for the reguler item to end all reguler items: The Weekly Woss Weport.

As usual I missed the openings, but I was ready in time for the introduction of the first guest, and it's someone from Eastenders. In my day the Jonathan (remember its pronounced Yonathan) Woss show didn't interview people off Eastenders. Either Mr Woss has sold out or someones been leaning on him. Sometimes when I fall in love I think that Eastenders is one of the worst programs on TV; do-do-do-do-do-dododo (that is the drums of the end of Eastenders for those who are too slow to keep up and realise that I am capable of writing some half decent prose now and again).

Shane Richey is wearing a suit and he is also wearing the sort of shoes that go with a suit. I hate wearing suits and I also hate wearing the sort of shoes that go with a suit. In fact I would go a bit further than that and say that me and Shane Richey (for it is he) have probably got nothing at all in common. If I ever go on the Jonathan Woss show I will not be wearing a suit and I will not be wearing the type of shoes that go with a suit. If Shane Richey ever wrote the Weekly Woss Weport I bet he wouldn't be wearing an old IBM RS6000 t-shirt either (if DJ is watching, an RS6000 is a type of car that is much faster than the one he has).

Now we have our second guest and it is Jimmy Carr, but he isn't being interviewed he's doing some kind of stand up routine. This is probably what some people would call subverting the form, but I don't.

Now he has ended his standup routine and realised that he should be sitting next to uncle jonathan because he realises he needs interviewed. Strangley enough, I don't seem to be able to take in anything that is being said. In fact, we may be half way through the show and I haven't reported anything that anyone has actually said. This is probably a really good format for an article reporting on a show in which the main aspect is people talking to each other.

Right, that's the end of Jimmy Carr and now we can get to hear all about Mr Gay International gay of the year show award. Aparently he beat off 25 other contenders.

Now it is the final guest before the band (don't know who they are yet) and it is 2 women called Cameren Diaz or something. I don't know why girls called Cameron Diaz always come in pairs, but they do, so get used to it. Jesus.

They are talking about some film or other and even though I have just seen the trailer for it I can't remember what it is called and I don't even care that I can't remember what it is called. Sometimes you have to realise that it is just time to let the past go and move on.

Did you know that Iceland has some geological formations that are unlike anything anywhere else on this earth or something?

These 2 Cameron Diaz type women are complaining that they aren't coming over as funny as Jimmy Carr did. What do ypu want ladies, jam on it? It's not my fault that you ain't funny. Get used to it and move on. That's what I say. Give me a bottle of Baltica every time.

You may wish to know that I did end up buying doom for a fiver and downloading it and I am currently on level 4. For all those with a W800i I woudl recommend buying it as it is well worth the money.

These Diaz women are now discussing burping. Get real ladies. One of them has admitted that she comes from Australia or something and has just done something with her thumb. Well you don't impress me, because I can do things with my thumb also.

Two drunk women are now putting makeup onto the face of Jonathan Ross. Rubbish daytime cable TV suddenly seems to hold all sorts of attractions. At last, they have finally finished and then it is time for the end of show band. I have just found out that it is Green Day, so we'll see what they have to offer. Ok - not much. Just because you happen to sing a rude word on the Jonathan Woss show doesn't mean you're going to get any creedence from this reviewer. Also, the drummer's hair is rubbish.

So, all in all, it wasn't the best Woss show and to cap it all the next one is in 2 weeks time.

To make up for this we shall extend this weeks Woss Weport to incorporate the Jules Holland Jule fest Report.

After reading the radio times last week, I was lead to believe that the show would include both Sigur Rós and John Cale, but following a fine performance from Paul Weller, Mr Holland intoduced the remaining bands and Mr Cale's name was not mentioned. That must mean something, but I am not prepared to speculate what it is here.

After Paul Weller it was Santana. They have now finished and someone else is singing. I didn't catch her name, so we'll have to sit this one out and wait for the next one. Next up is Sheryl Crow at the piano, but I'm getting tired now, and I'm taping this downstairs anyway so I can't be bothered to write anymore.

However, Mr Jules has just introduced one Mr John Cale, so I'd better just write a little more. Mr Cale is singing his current single off his current album. The single is called perfect and the album is called black acetate. I should, at this point, point out that John Cale has got the same kind of triangle of hair growing under his bottom lip that I have, only his is bigger.

Now Sheryl Crow is singing some song about crows while she plays a piano. Ok, the song may not be about crows, but as I'm not listening to words I can't actually tell what it is about. John Cale's song was about someone who is perfect for him. Lou Reed also wrote a song with perfect in the title, but his wasn't about a person.

If you want to hear about the rest of the show you will have to read it on someone elses blog, because with 10 minutes left before injury time I'm saying goodnight from me, and goodnight from the tooth fairy.

Vi ses imorgon.