Dag 635: The Horizon Bleeds And Sucks Its Thumb

The cold north wind was blowing through the trees and whistling like the ghosts of a long forgotten morning. The sound of a breaking twig caused me to start. I was trying to find my way out of the wood, but which ever way I went I ended up in the same glade. The moon hang low in the sky and I just couldn't get away from the ghosts that were following me. Once upon a time I was riding through the wood with my faithful dog and a friend who was running with weights on his feet. But now I just have these ghosts for company. One of the ghosts calls out names that could never be mine, while another writes names in the dust. A third ghost enters my dreams and promises me things that I know she can never give to me. She starts shaking me and I reach out, but can feel nothing. I hear her voice in amongst the sound of the wind. She says "Jeremy Clarkson is currently being interviewed by Jonathan Ross (pronounced Yonathan Woss) and you have to write all about it". This brings me back to reality, for I now realise that Jeremy has been on for ages and I haven't written about anything yet so I'd better get with the program and start the Weekly Woss Weport.

I have to admit that I like Jeremy Clarkson. He says quite a few conrtoversial things, but I don't care - he makes me laugh. He is currenlty smashing up some sort of Nissan Micra or somthing with a big hammer and I don't mind. You know Jeremy Clarkson could say just about anything he jolly well wanted and not only would I not care, but I would probably find it funny.

It is now the end of this interview so now we listen to Jonathen Woss telling us some ghostly paranormal story about some gas fire that started working while Harry Potter was being interviewed. This sprt of thing happens to me all the time.

Now we have the gorillas. They are some sort of pop group made out of cartoons, but it is really a front for Damien Albran out of Pulp. The song has a chorus of children singing and was probably inspired by the first song from the colour of spring by Talk Talk. The Talk Talk song is called "hapiness is easy" and I would say that the most difficult thing about being in a cartoon band is finding someone good enough to draw the cartoons in the first place. If I was in a band I wouldn't bother with the cartoons I'd just perform in person instead.

This Damian Cornflake guy is now saying that the live 8 concert was all about giving money to Africa and there was not a single Afican band performing at it. This is something that I have heard before about this concert. Another thing I have heard is that Hiwatt claimed in some advertising bumph that David Gilmore out of Pink Floyd used a Hiwatt custom 50 combo amp during the G8 concert, but in reality he was using 3 old Hiwatt valve heads and not a custom 50 at all. Do you know that to buy a brand new Hiwatt custom 50 costs almost £1200. That is a lot of money for an amplifier don't you think?

Thy are now showing a clip of Gorilaz on stage and I am pretty impressed with how they did it so Damian Weetabix has gine up in my estimation. He has just gone up even more because he said X Factor is crap. Anyone who thinks X factor is crap is alright by me. Now they are all saying they like the crazy frog so they have all dropped a few places in my chart of coolness.

Now it seems to be time for the final guest who is some kind of film actor called Patrik Swayze or something. They are showing him doing some dancing in a film called dirty dancing and I thing his dancing is rubbish. I think I could do better. Me and Simon Walsh used to do a really good dance when we were at a party of club that would have knocked the socks off what he did. He says he is 53 years old and has had no surgery. Well I am 41 years old, but I did have some surgery once as I had an ingowing toenail removed when I was 16 or 17. See, at least I am prepared to admit what cosmetic surgery I have had.

Now they are showing some scene out of a film with a man and a woman making some sort of clay pot and it makes me feel sick. People should not be allowed to make such contrived rubbish as this.

Now it is Antony and the Johnstons. I must admit that I like some of the songs that they have done, even though Johnston is an american word for penis. This particulet song has got Boy George in it so it is not as good as the other sonsg of theirs I have heard. Boy George once called into my Dad's old pub (the General Tarleton in Ferrensby) one lunchtime and the locals have a bet going as to whether he would go to the gents or the ladies.

And suddenly it is all over.