Dag 891: det spelar ingen roll

You may have noticed that I have been providing occasional sustenance for those living in a world devoid of quality biopic film reviews by delivering timely reviews at critically opportune moments, thus helping the film going public in general. However, you may also have noticed that while I have been paying homage to the genre of film I have been sadly neglecting the humble book.

This is probably because I haven't read a book (i.e. a fictional story) for around 2 years and this blog has only been around for about that length of time. It is a shame I haven't read one for so long because It is quite possible that in my lifetime I have read more books then I have seen films (though it is also possible that I have seen more films than read books - I've no idea one way or the other to be honest) but, regardless of that, I feel, it is about time we had an official björkbjiggler book club posting.

I have been interested in books since the very first time I became interested in them and have always had one on the go. The thing with books is that it isn't just reading them that is enjoyable, but it is just as much fun buying them and looking at them on your bookshelf. The contents of a persons bookshelf probably says a lot about the person whose books they are.

I may not have finished a book for the last 2 years, but I have had one on the go for the whole time. I started reading it during my last holiday in Spain and haven't yet finished it. I have bought quite a few books since that one, but I can't start reading a new book until I've finished the previous one (in fact that statement is not quite true, it should read - I can't start a new fiction book until I have finished the current fiction book - I am allowed to read non fiction books while I am still reading a fiction book because they don't interfere with the plot). The book I currently have on the go is Detective Inspector Huss by Helene Tursten and there are 3 main reasons why I haven't yet completed it:

1) It is a bit heavy going - this allowed options 2 and 3 to creep in via the back door (as it were)
2) Sudoku - I used to read on the plane each week, but then I started doing sudoku instead
3) Family Guy - I used to read in bed every night until I discovered Family guy and now I watch and episode or 2 of that instead

So I am in a pretty sad state of affairs, book wise, but this week I have decided to break the stagnation and get back into books again ("hooray" I hear you cheering). And I have just bought 3 books and 4 cds to celebrate my return to literary prowess.

Now for the science part:
So how did I come to be reading a book that is a bit heavy going? Because it is set in Sweden and written by a Swedish Author, of course - nincompoop. Almost all the books I have read over the last 5 years have been releated to Sweden or Scandinavia in some way (they have also all been detective novels).

Now for the book review part:

Last week I bought 3 books and 4 cds, but I also bought a cd and a dvd in Sweden recently so I'll include those here as well:

The Books (3 for the price of 2 at waterstones):

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time: Adult Edition (Paperback) by Mark Haddon

This was recently recommended by Adrian and I had actually thought about buying it when it first came out after hearing about it on a radio 4 program. At that point I had never heard of Aspergers so had no interest in it from that perspective and I also didn't like to think that a dog had been killed, so I didn't buy it at the time. However I have become interested in Aspergers over the last few months, and have been reading a good book about it on the train over the last week or so, so now seemed like a good time to get over the fact that a dog had been killed and get the book.
The first thing I noticed about the book is that the first chapter is chapter 2. I think that is really funny so I know I am going to really enjoy the book and I can't wait to start reading it properly - the trouble is I haven't finished my current book yet. I tried to find my current book last night, so I could try and rush through it, but couldn't. Maybe if I can't find the book that means I can go on and read this one - I would just have to make sure that if I ever did find that book I threw it out straight away.

There is also a children's version of this book which I may buy for my children.

The Man who Smiled by Henning Mankell (paperback)

This is the latest of the Inspector Wallander novels to be released in english, but it is not the latest in the series - it is from earlier on. It annoys me a bit when they do this because I like to read books in the correct order. I bought all the other Henning Mankell books as soon as they were released in English in hardcover, but I didn't get this one straight away so it is paperback. It is also the first time I have watched the film of the book before reading the book. I bought the DVD of this (Mannen Som Log) when I went to Stockholm with Adrian last year to see a Kent concert. While I was buying this DVD he was probably in some park in Stockholm pretending to be a tree or something. You may have noticed him. Anyway, I really enjoyed watching the film. This is one of those stories where nothing particularly spectacular happens but it was great all the same. Reading this book after watching the film will be a bit strange. I can't think of any time when I have watched the film before reading the book - it has always been the other way round.

Calling Out For You by Karin Fossum (paperback)

This is the fourth book in this series. I have the other three but have only read the first two so far. I really enjoyed the ones I have read so far they seem very true to life rather than the exagerated thenes you tend to see in Hollywood films and I felt I could really imagine what made the characters tick. I admire the fact that she doesn't just write about normal people with happy normal lives but includes a variety of characters (e.g. criminals and mental problems etc) and she really makes you feel you know where they are coming from and why they make the decisions they do. Nestor tells me I must move on now.

The CDs (from cdon.com - I've always had good service and really quick delivery from this company):

Eskobar by Eskobar (CD)

I've only listened to a couple of tracks from this so far. They were fairly mellow and acoustic rather than rocky, but hopefully there will be some rocky ones in there too. When I bought my first Eskobar CD (There's only now) I got into most of the tracks pretty quickly with the remainder taking a while to get into. The next one I bought (A thousand last chances) took me much longer to get into and I suspect this one may be the same. Not that it matters, because I always enjoy the process of getting used to music by a great band (which Eskobar certainly are). I haven't managed to get to see then live yet, but they are on my list.

Liebeling by Andrea Johnson (cd)

There was a track by Andreas Johnson on a trigger happy TV soundtrack cd I bought years ago and I had been thinking about getting this cd ever since, but never got round to it until I saw this at cdon.com for 4.95 euros so I thought now was the time to get it. I have only listened to the first track so far, and I played it 5 times in a row - glorious! I'm sure I'll get round to playing the rest at some point.

Äventyr EP by Eva Dahlgren (CD)

This is the first of the new batch of CDs that I listened to. It is the first new Eva Dahlgren music I'd heard for years and I was a bit worried that her music may not have been as good as it used to be. However I really enjoyed it but the downside is that it reminded me I have not managed to go to a concert of hers yet and don't know what prospect there is of me ever managing it. When I was last in Sweden it was announced that she was playing at a free concert in Stockholm 2 days after I was due to fly back home - bummer!

Snö by Eva Dahlgren (copy protected CD)

After enjoying the EP it was time to move on to the album. Eva Dahlgren's last studio album (Lai lai) was release around 6 years ago and was so good that I just didn't see how she could ever produce anything even half as good again, so I didn't buy this when it first came out last year - I was scared of listening to it. I started off with the first few tracks and thought it sounded good, but nothing special, but as the album progressed it just seemed to get better and better and during track 9 (Det som bär mig nu) I felt the same as when I first listened to Lai Lai. That tracks was as good as anything on Lai lai and I have played it many times since. The album as a while is reaqlly growing on me butg I just have to keep going back to track 9 again and again. In conclusion a fantastic album and easily up to par with the ground breaking Lai lai.

If you haven't heard any music by Eva Dahlgren buy Lai lai (if you can get hold of it and Snö.

It doesn't matter if you can't understand the words because the music is out of this world.

Buy them and you will know. And then buy some jewelrey by Efva Attling.

The Swedish purchases:

Favoriter på Svenska by Shirley Clamp (CD)

Some years ago when I was browsing in the music/DVD section of NK I noticed that I really liked the music they were playing. They had a stand on the counter marked "Nu Spelas" which had 6 empty CD cases on it. So while I listened to the music I examined the 6 cd boxes to see if I could work out which was the one that was currently playing. I could have simply asked someone, but I didn't feel up to taking the easy option, so I carried on trying to work it out. I ended up thinking that the most likely one was Den Långsamma Blomman by Shirley Clamp so I risked it and bought it. When I got chance to play it I realised I was right. This music is probably well and truly classified as pure pop music and it is not a genre of music I would normally touch with a barge pole, let alone listen to, but it had something different about it that I really liked - in fact you could say it had a certain "quelle heure est-il" about it. Shortly after buying this we went on holiday to Spain and this CD never left the cd player of our hire car. The music is really uplifting (apart from "Jag fick lånar en Ängel" which can reduce you to tears even if you can't understand what she is singing) and goes really well with the hot, bright sun and holiday atmosphere. Every time we played the CD after our holiday it reminded us if the holiday. So on our next trip to Sweden I bought her next CD (Lever mina Drömmar) and that one stayed in the CD for our last Spannish holiday and now reminds us of that one. Our last Spanish holiday was two years ago (which is when I started reading my last novel) so when we went to Sweden this year the first thing I did in the NK music section was to look and see if there was a new Shirley Clamp CD to take with us to Spain this year - there was, so I bought it.

This one is different from the others because all the songs are cover versions. I even thought I may not like it, but as soon as the first song came on I knew I was wrong. The album isn't as upbeat as the last two, but the songs are great and are made so much greater by her fantastic voice. The CD opens with her version of "It must have been love" by Roxette . The original song is great and very well known, but this version just seems to take it to a whole new level. The only downside to the CD is the inclusion of a Leo Sayer song - but that is easily skipped and the rest is great. The highlights are:

- När kärleken föds - It must have been love by Roxette

- Öppna din dörr - I've never heard the original version, but it seems to be by Tommy Nilsson

- Tro - Tro by Marie Fredriksson (fantastic song - Marie is also the singer with Roxette)

- Hur sköra vi är - Fragile by Sting

I am already looking forward to driving thorugh Spain with the windows open and this CD blending in with the hot spanish air (though the other Shirley Clamp CDs will also be getting another airing too).

Steget Efter by Henning Mankell (DVD)

I haven't watched this DVD yet, it is still sealed in its wrapper. I am really looking forward to seeing it, but I want to wait until a really good time to see it. I may save it until we are on holiday and watch it on my laptop. This is based on the book One Step Behind by Henning Mankell and it was while reading this book that I realised just how good his books were. While I was reading this book I thought it was the best book I have ever read. When I watch this I will have an ice cold Absolut Vodka with sprite and a bowl or two of top quality snacks. .

"It doesn't matter how we cry our tears,
the answer is a whisper in a far away world."

Dag 863: The case of the metallic case

Once upon a time I booked some plane tickets for a trip to Sweden, using my air miles, a year in advance. When you use air miles you still have to pay the tax and this particular airline charges your credit card, for the tax, a couple of weeks before you fly rather than at the time of booking. There was a slight problem here because my credit cards all expired before the charge would be made so I picked the one I wanted to use and made a mental note that I would need to ring them once my new card arrived to ensure they had the correct details when it came to take the tax payment from it.

The only flights I had been able to find that I could use my air miles on had been Manchester to Stockholm via Copenhagen. I would rather have had direct flights but I'd flown via this route a few times before and Copenhagen has a very nice airport so I wasn't too bothered.

A couple of months later I got a call from the airline saying they had changed the time of the connecting flight so I would no longer get to Copenhagen soon enough to make my connection and could I book a different flight. There didn't seem to be any convenient alternative, but then she said "do you need to go via Copenhagen or would you consider a direct flight?" I said I would be happy to take a direct flight and the booking was changed accordingly. This was pretty good, apart from the fact that we now would be staying only 4 nights instead of 6 - but it would at least mean that we didn't spend so much money on the hotel. Which, I then reminded myself, I hadn't booked yet. The last few years we had stayed at the Scandic Hasselbacken Hotel on Djugården. It is in a nice quiet location next to Skansen and various other places the kids (and I) like to go to and it is also next to a ferry terminal so it was great to have a few drinks in the patio area in the early evening before taking the ferry to one of the restaurants in Gamla Stan. Each previous year we had booked direct with the hotel but this time I was determined to try and book online through one of those websites that gets you discounted rates. Over the following weeks I checked various websites, but most didn't have a decent way of specifying how many kids you had and how you wanted them to sleep (i.e. cots, foldaway beds etc). The ones that did let you say how many kids you had kept coming back with "This exceeds the maximum occupancy for this hotel", but I knew it didn't because we had stayed there loads of times before. I decided to put this off for a while.

I then thought it was time to look up the booking on the airline website to make sure it was still in order. I went to the "my bookings section" and there in bold letters was a single booking for a return trip from Manchester to Copenhagen. My heart sank as I clicked on it to open it up, but in the details it said Manchester to Stockholm so it seemed ok, so my heart rose again. I rang them up, just to be sure, and they reassured me that the booking was from Manchester to Stockholm, and as I had acquired more air miles by then I decided to upgrade the outward trip to business to make up for the fact that it was going to be a shorter trip than I had wanted. (I should add that it is impossible for any trip I make to Sweden to be long enough).

Time passed and my new credit card arrived so I rang up again to explain that when I had originally booked the flight my card had a date that would expire before it would be charged so could I give them the new expiry date. They asked if I still wanted to use the same card, so I said yes and just gave them the new expiry date.

Now it was time to try and book the hotel again. I had another few weeks of trying to book online, but then decided to give up and book directly again. So we rang the hotel only to be told, "sorry we are fully booked at that time." We asked to be put on the waiting list and then had to think about another hotel. We had stayed at Stallmästaregården before which was in a fantastic location by a lake with loads of grass for the kids to play on and a decking area by the water to have drinks on, but it was not in a good location for visiting all the places we liked to go, so we really needed to find a different one. The main criteria was:

1. central location
2. outdoor space for the kids to play
3. somewhere to have a drink outside before dinner

The Hasselbacken seemed to be the only one that matched all three, with Stallmästaregården matching numbers 2 and 3.

So, we not only couldn't find a perfect hotel, but there was also the possibility that we wouldn't find any hotel at all.
When I was working in Sweden the sales manager for the client we were working for used to stay at the SAS Radisson Strand hotel which he rated very highly. We had walked passed it on loads of previous trips and thought it looked nice so we rang them up and they had a suite we could stay in. We booked it in the hope that The Hasselbacken would come back to us as this room was about twice the price we had wanted to pay. It only met number 1 in the above criteria, but it had a lounge for the kids to play in, it overlooked the water, was extremely central and just round the corner from NK, which is one of my favourite shops in Stockholm.

It got closer to the day of our holiday and the Hasselbacken didn't phone, but I began to look forward to staying in a waterfront suite in the Radisson Strand hotel.

We were due to travel out on a wednesday and the sunday before I logged into the website to check my booking status. Sure enough there was the Manchester to Copenhagen heading so I clicked on it and then the browser froze. I waited for something to happen and eventually it came back with "no booking found". I tried going to a different screen and coming back to this one, but it would no longer display the "Manchester to Copenhagen" heading. I tried logging out and back in again, but it just said "you have no bookings".

I began to wonder if I had accidentally clicked on the cancel booking button when I tried to view it.
I found their booking number and phoned only to get a message saying "we are only open monday to friday". There was nothing to do but wait for monday, but as this was a bank holiday I wasn't expecting to get hold of anyone, and sure enough I didn't. So it was now Tuesday (the day before we thought we were going to Sweden, I had checked the website loads of times and it just said "no bookings found". I rang them up and they said that the booking was absolutely fine, nothing to worry about and we don't know why it isn't showing up on the website. So I could relax again.

The next morning we got up very early because the last 2 years we had nearly missed the flight due to being stuck in traffic on the way to the airport.

The flight was at 10:00 and we drove into the airport grounds at 08:00 - loads of time.

The first thing we notice is the sign listing the terminals. My wife asks which one we are going from. Oops - I am used to flying from Leeds Bradford which only has 1 terminal and I had completely forgotten that Manchester has more than one. I remembered that the terminal we went from before was not on the ground floor and there was a ramp up to the door for cars to use. I drove around and saw a ramp going up by Terminal 2. Ok then, that's that one sorted ok we are flying from Terminal 2. I followed the road sign to Terminal 2 long stay car park and drove in around 08:15. At 08:30 we were still driving round looking for a parking space and so were about 10 other cars. At 08:45 I was about to drive the car onto a bit of pavement and park it there when a car pulled out of a space and I zoomed into it before anyone else could spot it. Next job was to get everybody out of the car and get us and the cases to the bus stop which had a bus just pulling up to it.

We tried to make it, but the bus drove off just before we got there. I looked at the sign and it said the buses travel every 15 minutes. I was beginning to feel that familiar feeling of their being a possibility of not making the flight.

15 minutes went by and 2 buses drove into the car park. The first on said Terminals 1 and 3 and the second said Terminal 2. Both buses drove around the entire car park at walking pace before coming to our stop. We clambered onto the second bus with all the bags and push chair etc and I said to the driver - SAS go from terminal 2 don't they? "Nope, they go from terminal 1 - you should be on that bus" he said, pointing at the bus that was just pulling away. I said that I guess they must have changed terminal as last time we went it was from terminal 2 - I remembered because it had a ramp. The driver told me that they hadn't changed and both terminals 1 and 2 had ramps. I thought we were going to have to get off and wait another 15 minutes for the next bus, but the driver said he would drop us off at the station which was near terminal 1 and we just needed to go on the moving walkway.

He did this and we finally rolled up at the check in desks while they were still open, though we had wanted to get some breakfast and feed the baby before boarding the plane so we were far from relaxed. Fortunately as I have a gold card we could join the express check in queue and hopefully make up a bit of time.

Even though I had been reassured that our booking was ok, I was still a little worried that there was something wrong with it due to it not showing up on the web site, so it was a big relief when, after handing my Eurobonus card over to the check-in guy he started printing off stickers to go on the cases and sending them off down the conveyer belt. Once they had all gone he asked me for our tickets. I explained that I had booked these on an e-ticket so didn't have any. He replied that the booking showed that we had been issued with paper tickets and we needed to give them top him. He suggested that maybe they had been left for us at the ticket desk so I went and joined the queue there. By the time it was my turn there were only a couple of people still checking in at the desks. I asked if there were any tickets for me to collect, but there weren't. I gave my booking reference and the lady looked it up. She said there was an e-ticket assigned for a 10 month old baby, but nothing else.

I explained that I had booked them online a year ago and had been rung up to change the booking and that it had disappeared from the website, but that I had been re-assured that everything was ok.

So a phone call was made and then I was told that my credit card had failed authorisation so the tickets hadn't been issued (apart from the baby one as this was completely free). I couldn't understand this, so I gave my credit card to the lady who spoke on the phone again for a bit and then said that the number of this one didn't match the number of the one that they had used. I seemed that when I had given them the new expiry date I had forgotten which card I had originally used and so the new date didn't match that card. They tried it again and this time it went through and the tickets were issued.

By now everyone had finished checking in and they said we must go straight to the plane (gate 25) - thus no time to feed the baby or buy any duty free.

We raced off and joined the back of a monster queue through security screening. I noticed there was a little door manned by a man which seemed to be some sort of express screening line. I asked if we could go through and he said ok so we raced through, raced past the booze shop and raced on towards gate 25. We rushed past gate 23 which was half way through boarding and stopped at gate 25 where people were just sitting around waiting. After a few minutes of this there appeared to be no immediate prospect that people were about to start boarding so I decided to run back to the shop to get a couple of bottles of Verve Cliquot (2 for £40) which we would certainly need that night to recover from the stress endured this far.

As I ran back past gate 23 I noticed the last few passengers going onto the plane. That must be the Copenhagen flight I thought to myself.

I got to the shop picked up the dual pack of Verve Cliquot and joined the queue at the till. There was 1 till open with 1 lady behind it and about 5 other members of staff standing around, presumably making sure people aren't pinching stuff. The queue seemed to move very slowly and finally there was only 1 guy in front of me, He had a bottle of expensive looking cognac. "Can I have your boarding card please" she asked him in a very slow voice. He handed it over and she waited a bit and said "Were did you get the bottle from". He pointed to the area where booze is extra cheap, but only for people going outside Europe. So now I had to wait while she showed him where he should have got the bottle from, but thankfully he decided he didn't want to pay that much so it was finally my turn. She served me in the slowest way possible as my stress levels increased.

I ran back to gate 25, but slowed down as I got there because they still hadn't started boarding. By now I was panting and my mouth was completely dry and in desperate need for some water, and I also needed to go to the toilet. I looked to see were the toilet was and noticed that the sign by gate 25 said Copenhagen. I looked back to gate 23 and it said Stockholm. I looked at the boarding cards, but they did say get 25.

We raced back to gate 23 just as they were starting to call our names over the tannoy system.

As we boarded the plane we wondered if something was trying to tell us that we should be going on this holiday at this time.

Te flight went very well and I was felling much better when we landed and left the plane. My usual excitement of being in Sweden had returned and I no longer cared about anything outside of my Swedish bubble.

We went to the conveyer belts and grabbed our bags as they came off. Eventually we had all but the big silver metallic one and no more bags were coming out. There was a big metallic case on the belt, but it looked nothing like ours apart from that. It had bigger wheels that ours, it had stickers and labels on it, where ours had none and it was a different shape than ours.

When out case was weighed it had a heavy bag label fixed to the handle so I wondered if it might need to be collected from the outsize luggage area. I went over there but it wasn't there and I asked at the lost luggage counter if it would come out somewhere else if it was heavy, but they said no it would come out on the normal belt.

I went back to the normal belt, but our case still hadn't come out and the other metallic case was still there.

I decided we had better go to the lost luggage section and my wife said she thought someone must have taken our case instead of their own one. I thought they must have been pretty short sighted to have done that. My wife decided that as this case contained all here stuff, if it didn't arrive we would be going straight back home on the next flight. We got to the counter and I reported our case as being lost. My wife mentioned that she thought somebody may have taken out case instead of their own as there was a single metallic case left on the belt. The lady asked me to go and get it so she could put out a call in case they were still inside the airport. At this stage we began to worry about the fact that we had not put our name or address on our case.

I arrived back at the belt and noticed our case was standing next to the wall opposite the belt. I grabbed it and raced back to the desk. All was well so we went to find the taxi rank feeling at one with the world. And after I managed to conduct the whole taxi getting transaction in Swedish I felt even more at one with the world. In fact I have never felt more at one with the world than when I am in Sweden, so you could say I was actually feeling at one with Sweden.

The hotel was great, the view from our room was fantastic, and the remainder of our holiday was great.



As well as visiting the usual places:
Junibacken
Skansen
Aquaria Vattenmuseum
Grönalund
NK
Solo (for my jeans and t-shirts) - interesting review here
Sally's Bar
we also went on a boat trip to Fjäderholmarna, where we hadn't been before, which has a great pirate ship for the kids to play on, really nice views over the water to other islands and also a fantastic workshop with all sorts of amazing wood carvings. We had a really long chat with the guy who made everything and he gave me a tiny bit of wood that had come from the handle of a Viking axe that had been found buried in the mud under the water at the edge of the island. I could quite happily have spent the whole day on that island.



We also got round the missing hotel criteria by visiting a bar by the waters edge near the bridge to djurgården that had a big grassy area for the kids to play on and a place for us to sit right on the waters edge. We went everyday and ate there on the last day before heading back to the airport.



I have noticed on few visits to Stockholm at around this time of year that students celebrate their graduation by piling onto the back of lorries decorated in branches and driving round dancing, waving and screaming at passers by. It looks a lot of fun - I wish I had graduated in Sweden and then been driven round on the back of a lorry wearing a sailors hat and drinking and shouting at passers by. I wonder if I could do a similar thing in Harrogate?



Even though it was now more than a couple of years since I had been to my Swedish classes in Edinburgh and I hadn't had that much chance to practice, I felt that I had managed to speak much more Swedish on this trip than any of my previous ones.

We also managed to solve the mystery of the metallic case on our return to Manchester Airport. As we watched our metallic case come towards us the guy standing next to us grabbed it off the belt. I told him it was my case and he then said he had done exactly the same in Stockholm the previous Wednesday, and sure enough along came the other metallic looking case that had been left on the belt by itself at Arlanda Airport. Once he had reclaimed his proper case we got chatting and found he and his wife also visit Sweden every year.

I won't even bother going through the hassle we then had getting from terminal 1 back to the terminal 2 long stay car park.

Dag 824: Milk Lemonade Chocolate

Everything has changed.

The car has moved south and the keyboards are in the cupboard.

Even while the cats are trying to get in through the back door the weekly woss weport is receding into the desert of nightmares.

All that manages to crawl its way back to the interspace is a drabble of half forgotten flashbacks.

Tonight we managed to catch a bit of Shatner and most of Wobbie Williamson. Mr Shatner was being a bit left field and Mr Williamson was going on about playing football in a left over football field. I have never liked football and as tonights Woss show has finished I am watching my new dvd of The Mighty Boosh series 2 instead.

I saw a few bits of the last 2 Woss shows but I was too tired to turn it into weekly woss weports at the time, so I made a concerted effort to store what I had seen somewhere in the vast recesses of my, as yet, uncharted mind. Unfortunately they seem to have become lost for the time being so

Dag 795: I've never done good things

I have been working at a television company on some project or something for some time now. I used to work in a big room full of people with about 10 TVs at the front showing various TV channels. Usually it was sport and Australian aerobics, but one day about 2 and a half years ago it was decided that there wasn't enough available power for the computers so any non essential bit of kit that ran off electricity would need to be switched off and so all of the TVs were switched off never to be seen on again.

So it remained until about 1 month ago. By this time I was working in another room which was much smaller. There was 1 portable TV in here, but it only got switched on at night so when I was on the night shift I could watch Sinefeld, the simpsons or futurama. But about a month ago the TV was moved down to my end of the room and started being switched on during the day. Rather than showing sports channels the TV was tuned into music channels so I have been watching music videos for some weeks and it had been a revelation. When I was about 17 I used to listen to John Peel on the radio at night. I heard all the latest songs and knew pretty much all I needed to know about what groups were hot an which were goats. As I got older I started only listening to the music I liked. I bought all the albums produced by the groups I liked, but I never heard anything new as I never listened to the radio any more.

In the last few weeks I have heard many groups that I previously knew nothing about and I now feel I am getting back to my original status of knowing more about what groups are cool than anyone else.

Only this afternoon before leaving work, as well as hearing Mr Blunt telling us about his semi by the sea, I saw the video of "Don't forget to white your weekly woss weport" by Coldplay.

As usual I missed the beginning - but not as much as I usually miss.

First up is Mr Sir Tom Jones of Lady's knickers fame.

It seems Sir Tom is 65 years old but still going strong in the old tonsils department. He seems to have done pretty well of late as he is one of the few older performers that still seems to be considered cool.

Mr Woss showed a clip of Tom doing the song obla dee obla da, which reminded me that I had the single of this song, but mine was sung by a group called Marmalade. I remember it had an orange label, but I can't remember what the B side was.
I can't remember what the first single I ever bought was, but the first album I ever bought was Hunky Dory by David Bowie and the first 12 inch single I bought was Marquee Moon by Television. Both of these were played to death and were major influences on my life.

Soon after this Mr Jones leaves and Mr Woss starts talking about Tom Cruise and then goes on to relate the story of Xenu that Scientologists of level 3 and above seem to believe in.

This is followed by some footage of a stripper who just happens to be the next guest. It seems that she is the number 1 burlesque stripper of modern times and I suppose I'm not really in a position to argue against that as stripping is not currently one of my specialist subjects.

I've never done bad things.

I'm not sure if I have missed something but I think that Mr Woss may have just said that this stripper is married to Marilyn Manson.

The stripper has now left and Wossy is talking about the time he had a video camera up his bottom and they videod it. This reminds me of an episode of Jonathan Creek. Now he has decided to show the video accompanied by music from Sigur Ros. I can think of other things I would rather see to the music of Sigur Ros.

Now it is the final guest - Mr Graham Norton. I first came across Mr Norton on Father Ted. I think he has been on 2 or 3 episodes and at the time Father Ted was just about my favourite comedy on TV. I recorded the whole of series 3 on video and I used to watch it ever night when I went to bed for about 18 months around 2000. I haven't watched any Father Ted for some year so so maybe it is time to watch them all over again.

They are talking about some new program on TV presented by Mr Norton that is some sort of dancing competition or other. Some sort of follow on from come dancing or something - not my cup of tea so I think I will concentrate on trying to write the opening as I haven't thought of what to put yet. Up until now you may have thought that I write that bit first, but that is not the case - I regularly write the opening seg-way after I have written the actual Woss Weport. This is what is known as a trick of the trade and normally we are not allowed to tell people about these, but I have never been one to keep to the code of the magic circle, so now you know.

The show ended with a new song by Mr Jones which sounded ok to me, though I won't be rushing out to buy it in a hurry.

I've never done anything out of the blue.

Dag 788: The post that hurts the most

The car was stuck behind behind 2 caravans and a lorry and progress was slow. The driver noticed that a green car had appeared behind him and was giving the appearence of impatience. The car seemed to be full of people and heavily laden.
The driver was not able to pass any of the vehicles in front of him and the green car was not able to pass him.
Eventually the winding road reached the motorway and the green car overtook the driver, who noticed that it appeared to be so heavily laden that the wheels seemed to be almost touching the wheel arches.
The green car was in the middle lane and had to brake as a lorry pulled out infront of it. The driver was picking up speed in his smart car and pulled into the overtaking lane passing both the green car and the lorry that had slowed it down.

The smart car carried on and the driver had forgotten all about the green car until about 15 minutes later he saw it in the rear view mirror. It looked like it was almost scraping the motorway under the weight of its load. It gradually caught up with the smart car and pulled into the overtaking lane. As it slowly passed the smart car the driver noticed that the passengers were watching the smart car and making hand gestures and shuffling body movements that suggested they were all willing the green car to be able to overtake the smart car. It took a while, but eventually the green car passed the smart car and pulled in front of it. The green car seemed to be going flat out as it stayed just infront of the smart car. The smart driver thought that maybe the green car hadn't liked being overtaken by a humble smart and wanted to assert its place in the car food chain by staying in front of the funny toy like smart car. After about 10 minutes the smart driver noticed that a bit of smoke seemed to be coming from one of the front wheels of the green car. He couldn't tell whether this was from the tire rubbing on something or coming from the engine. It had only been a wisp, but the smart pulled back a bit as he thought that this green car was probably driving a bit too hard and may be about to break down.

The smart car followed the green car for a few more miles and then suddenly a much thicker plume of smoke came from the green car and it slowed down, indicated and pulled onto the hard shoulder. The smart driver drove past and wondered what would become of the green car and its occupants. Were they on there way to a weekend away? Would the trip be over for them, or would they still make it to their destination. Would the car still have broken down if it hadn't been overtaken by that humble smart car? As these questions went through the mind of the driver a large motorway sign loomed up.

As the sign came into view the driver noticed the message made up of giant orange pixels "weekly woss weport next exit".

As so often happens he missed both the exit and the start of the show.

For me the show began with the tail end of some woman being interviewed and I have no idea who she is. No doubt I could find out with a quick diversion to google, but I think I prefer not to know.

So by the time I was sitting comfortably Mr Woss was talking about some drunk chimp giving him the finger. This was followed by Johnny Vegas doing what the chimp did (from the back room) and then it was his turn to come up to the desk of Woss. I find Johnny Vegas a really funny guy - I have seen quite a few episodes of ideal and really enjoyed it. It is currently on my list of DVDs to purchase. Whatever Mr Vegas says it always makes me laugh and tonight it was no different.

Next up was Joan Collins. I wasn't really very interested in hearing what she had to say so I spent the time catching up on emails and seeing if any more people had been visiting my myspace page. I now have 15 friends and my songs have had a total of 261 plays (even though 251 of those are probably from me visiting the page I can still kid myself that loads of people have been listening to them).

The show ended with not one but two songs by the red hot Chile peppers- I'm afraid they did not pass the old grey whistle test as far as I was concerned and were, in my view, what is sometimes referred to as rubbish. And the fact that they jumped around a lot didn't get them any extra kudos as far as I was concerned.

This morning I had seen that there was going to be some sort of religious type easter show in Manchester tonight and it was to be shown on BBC2. This didn't really catch my attention until they mentioned that it would contain music from Manchester groups including Joy Division and New Order, so I thought that might be a good thing to watch a bit of once Mr Woss had finished his stuff.

Changing the station to channel 2 was with me the work of a moment and I joined the program halfway through Blue Monday by New Order. It sounded pretty good with acoustic instruments. All in all I think it was a really good idea to put this show on and it certainly looks like plenty of people have turned up to see it. The only down side to it is the religious element which kind of puts me off, as I don't go in for all that stuff, but I still think it is a pretty good idea - if that can make sense.
I used to be a student in Manchester and have never been back since, but seeing the square brought back quite a few memories of those days.
In fact having watched this for a bit now, the religious elements are putting me off - even though I think the music is pretty good.

While I was driving back from Scotland today I was thinking about how people can believe that a god exists. It seems to me that if there was a god who had created the earth and all the creatures on it, if he was such a good god he would have created all creatures as vegetarians so that no creature had any need to harm or kill any other one. Various animals have various skills that help them survive, such as fur that blends in with the landscape. If god made them like this it seems to me that he/she was playing some sort of sadistic game whereby the animals that are considered prey get a bit of a chance of not being killed by the stalkers. Its a bit like those films where the baddies let their prey have a head start and then go after them.

Anyway that's enough religious talk - anyone would think it was some sort of religious day or something.

Dag 781: This is not my voice

For some golfing type of reason Jonathan Ross is not on BBC1 tonight so as an alternative they have put Tarrent on TV on ITV instead.

Last week I went into the co-op in East Calder and after choosing my items I joined the queue at the checkout. An old lady in front of me had a £10 note in her hand and her total came to £4.85. She handed over the tenner and the lady on the till said "you haven't got a £5.00 note have you as we have run out".
The old lady said "No sorry this is all I have".
So the lady at the till said "ok I'll have to give you your change in pound coins".
This sent the old Lady into a mild panic and she said "Oh dear, I might have a pound coin in my purse, if I give you that will it help?"
The lady at the till said "no, I need a £5 note".
The old Lady then opened her purse and pulled out 1 £5 note and said "Oh, I didn't know I had that fiver that I did'nae know I had".

I found that so amusing that I thought I would relate it here - of course all of this was said in a Scottish accent.

Tarrent on TV has now finished, but I am not too bothered as Dylan Moran in concert is on soon on channel 4.
I am very much looking forward to watching this as it was the very first program I watched in bed on the TV that we have in our bedroom (and I only caught the end of it first time round).

Paolo and I had come to the conclusion a few months ago that we didn't go to enough concerts anymore so we managed to organise a night out at a gig on Wednesday. We didn't manage to get as many people as we did at our Goldfrapp night out, but we made up for it in the amount of booze consumed.

The chosen gig of the night was at The Caberet Voltaire. It was a special aniversary gig featuring:
The Presets - nice pair of old Korgs
Xvectors - fronted by one of Paolo's drinking partners
The Blackouts - Their first gig, they played really well and were well received.

The night started out with a few Baltikas at the Blue Blazer and then it was onwards and upwards to The Cabaret Voltaire.
Once in the door Paolo and I rushed straight down to the stage while the others hung back. Though once I had refused to buy them a drink after The Blackouts set they soon saw the light and came down to the front to join us for a drink and the Xvectors. They really were good and I will see them again at the first chance I get.
Finally it was The presets who really got the crowd dancing.

I knew it was a good night because I didn't feel good the next day.

Dag 774: The lunatic was on the gwarse

The mist was swirling through the woods, causing me to stumble and trip over a hidden root.

So, without further ado, let me introduce tonights very special guests.
We've got:
Sir Alan Sugar - I don't think much of your program so you're fired
Tamsin Greig - I like her a lot, she has been in some tip top top of the range comedies (and she was also in an episode of Jonathan Creek)
Ant and Dec - Weddy to Wumble
music will be by - Gorilaz, in the mist

Mr Woss started off by showing us what a top internet buff he is by telling us how he surfed right onto the web site of My Morrissey Smith (the no show from last weeks show) and found that someone had posted a message onto his site saying what a good interview Morrissey had done and how great the 2 songs he sung were.

All I can say is that if Mr Woss was such a good internet buff he would have found this site by now and would be posting a Wjeekly Bjork Bjiggler Rjeport on his blog each week.

So Alan Suger came on, said some stuff and went off again. I didn't pay too much attention as I am not much of a high flying businessman and I hate wearing a suit. See me in a suit and you know I'm wishing I was somewhere else.

I'm glad all that stuff is over because now it is Tamsin so I can start paying attention. I used to know a girl called Tamsin Eskdale and she borrowed a triple LP off me by Godley and Creme and never returned it. I can't remember what it was called but it featured Peter Cook and Dudley Moore doing some pretty funny stuff between songs. I wouldn't mind that back if you are reading this Tamsin. And while we're on the subject - please can I have my skateboard back Heather. In fact could all the girls I know please return all the stuff you have of mine? Thankyou.

While we are on the subject of Black Books, the other week I saw the end of a Bill Bailey live show and he did an impression of Kraftwerk doing a german version of the Hokey Kokey which I found really good.

I've hardly finished writing this up and Wossy boy is kicking her off. I've never seen a guest be on such a short time. I pressume it is because those high flyers Ant and Dec up next.

The puffs and the piano sang lets get ready to rumble as they came on so they obviously have the same sense of humour as me.

Wossy and teh 2 boys have waffled on now for about 3 times as long as Tamsin was on and I can't really remember much that has been said, but right now thay are talking about some new film that is out featuring Ant and Dec. The film is called alien autopsey or something and the clip of it showed that it included somebody who has been in an episode of Black Books, so it might actually end up having a few decent bits in it - maybe.

As the show draws to a close we are informed that there will be no Jonathan Ross show next week, that of course meens there will also be no Weekly Woss Weport, so I'd better try and come up with something else instead.

Now it is time for the Gorilaz and although the song sounds pretty good and the band are joined by a childrens choir and various other live instruments, the 4 members of the band seem a bit wooden in their performance.

So Weekly Woss may be over, but if you want to carry on watching some music you could watch Georgie fame on BBC2 or the Gorilaz in concert on Channel 4.

I think I'll watch channel 4 (but I should add that I would rather be watching a film of the Cocteau Twins in concert).

Dag 767: When Mamma was Woss

The watchlar stood in the fog, watching and waiting patiently. His tranquil eye caught site of a figure in the mist. Was that Bluebeard, with his rilkean heart, or had he just mistaken it for a Mizan? As the figure retreated into the background his gaze was drawn towards some frou-frou foxes frolicking in the midsummer fires beneath the pepper tree on the blue bell knoll.
It was nearly dawn and the sky turned pink orange red as the pearly dewdrops dropped. Throughout the dark months of april and may I would spend my time treasure hiding and I found that the thinner the air, the easier it was to bring a blush to the snow.

The watchlar had noticed that, with his treasure of glass candle grenades, the spanglemaker would travel by road river and rail to heaven or Las Vegas, while the moon waxed and wained in the gold dust rush.

The fifty fifty clown broke the silence of our angelhood with the sound of calfskin-smack.
"You should know who you are at every age" he said, "don't you know you have a Weekly Woss Weport to write".

He was right of course, so without further delay I put on my summerhead and began to pur.

The first bit of news is that Morrissey is a no show. The Radio Times said that last time he was on the wossy show he seemed very uncomfortable so they were a bit surprised he had agreed to go on it again, tough they did add that he had a new album to promote. I didn't catch who he had got instead, but it looked like some lady or other.

First up is Sir David Attenborough who is on TV at the moment with a new Planet Earth series. I have only watched a few clips of this so far, but I have been taping the series onto my hard disk recorder so I can put it on DVD and watch it in its entirety later. All the clips I have seen look brill and the use of Sigur rós as the background music adds to the atmospheere of the whole thing. The subject has somehow got onto religion and origins etc. Mr Attenborough is making some pretty good points in my opinion.

Now they are talking about global warming and stuff. My situation on that is that I have a smart car which is nice and green, but I also fly in a plane twice a week and today Leeds Bradford airport was fogbound so the plane I was in circled for around 45 minutes before heading off to Teeside thus negating all the savings my smart car had made in one fell swoop. I was offered a couch trip to Leeds Bradford airport so I asked if they could drop me off at Boroughbridge as the couch would go right past it, which would save me going all the way to LBA only to get a taxi bacl to my house (just outside Boroughbridge) only to be told "computer says no" - so I just got a taxi home from Teeside instead. It may have cost me £70 put it probably got me home at least 1 and a half hours earlier than I would have had I taken this couch. My taxi zoomed off while the other punters were still sorting out their luggage prior to boarding the coach.

Now it seem to be Charlotte Church's boyfriend being interviewed - maybe he is the Morrisey replacement. Mr Woss is basically taking the mikey out of him and talking in a Pakistani/Welsh accent. Once he got bored of doing that he spent the rest of the time going on about Charlotte Church. I think that teh guy being interviwed thought that wossy boy was a bit of a pratt.

Now it is Pink. When I was working in Germany we met a girl called pink in a mexican restaurant, but this one seems to be american. I like the german one better - though once she told us what her jack russel was called I warmed to her a bit more.
Now she is singing her new song and then suddenly the show was over - just as suddenly as it had started. The itchy glowblo blow worms had been suckling the mender and I just hadn't realised that Ella Megalast burls forever.

Maybe a trip in a kissed out red floatboat would make me feel multifoiled.

Dag 760: Heard, Duffy, Blatchford, Luxford, Rabie

I wasn't planning on doing a post tonight, but I've come to bed and while deciding what dvd I wanted to watch before dropping off into the eternal slumber of the neophite, I decided to see what was on TV. The answer is that some sort of common wealth games or something is on, and if the names in the title seem familiar to you, it is because you too are watching a group of women in very skimpy bathing costumes riding around on bicycles followed by some camera men on mopeds filming their bottoms. Each bottom has the name of its owner written just above it. Some of the bottoms don't have very much covering them at all. I didn't know this sort of thing was called sport.

Apart from watching women's butts I have also been to a few concerts of late and have a few more coming up. I have created a mysql database to store details of all my concerts in and will be adding these to it in due course, however, I still need to learn how to retrieve this data and display it on a web page. But once I learn how to do it there will be a top website featuring all the gigs I remember going to along with photos, thoughts, memories etc of the gig in question, appearing on an internet outlet near you.

Recent Gigs:
My latest Novel
St Judes Infirmary
The 55s
Goldfrapp
GoldFrapps support group - can't be botherd to find out who they were at the moment
Sigur Rós
Amina

Coming up:
The Australian Pink Floyd
Gary Numan

I should also like to add that these bathing costume clad women are now off their bikes and running along the road. Their bathing costumes are made out of very thin material and the cameras are now filming them from infront rather than behind.
Some of the girls are quite a long way behind the ones at the front.

The other thing that has taken up some of my time lately is http://www.myspace.com/. It took me 3 attempts to get mine set up with the right name etc and each time I deleted my incorrect account I have to wait a day or too before I could try setting it up again. I eventually got it up and running and found I already had one friend called Tom. It seems he is the sys admin or something and you automatically get him as a friend when you sign up. Although I was grateful that at least I didn't have zero friends, but it did cause me some stress too. What are you meant to do with Tom? Obviously, I don't know him in real life, so am I meant to keep him as a friend or is he some sort of demo friend that I should delete once you know what I am doing? Obviously, anybody visiting my profile will know that he isn't my real friend and would know I was really a saddo.

I felt a bit strange for a few days as I only had my sham friend and as far as I knew none of my real life friends had got a myspace account. But then I thought to myself, "Air must have one - I can't believe he hasn't got this far in life without having one". So I typed in a few possible myspace profile names, but they all belonged to other people. It looked like I was the only person I knew with a myspace account - which is a pretty lonely state to be in.

Some time later I saw a feature that will read you gmail address book in and allow you to send an email to each person telling them that if they don't set up a myspace account pretty soon and set me up as thier friend I will begin to look like a really sad individual indeed. During the import I got a message saying air already had a myspace account. I knew he wouldn't have let me down, it was just me not being able to do a proper seach that had failed me from finding him before. So, to send a friend request in ro Air was, with me, the work of a moment. Unfotunatley my imprt them bombed out so I never got to send my blanket email, but I now had the chance of getting a real friend to go with my token Tom friend.

Once I had sent the friend request out I was hooked and wanted more friends. So I sent one out to Sigur Rós too. I don't know any of them, but they already had 59958 friends so I hoped they might be able to squeeze little old me in there (and I would just sit at the back and not say very much).

I should add that I do not know the correct protocol for getting friends on mypace so I may well have done it all wrong, but as yet my request to them is still pending.

Meanwhile Adrian had come up with the goods and set up his own myspace account and put in a request to me.

So with that accepted I had 2 real friends, 1 pretend friend and a pending request with Sigur Rós. At this point I thought the right thing to do was sever my ties with Tom and go it alone. I felt very guilty removing him as a friend and I would just like to say no hard feelings were intended and I really enjoyed the time we were friends.

This brings us up to date. I have a myspace account with 2 friends and 7 people have viewed my profile and 5 people have listened to my songs. And, although Sigur Rós currently have 59958 friends I am not one of them.

So I still don't really know anything about the myspace etiquet, but for some reason I have a real desire to have more myspace friends. So if you know me or you are in one of the groups I really like - please be my myspace friend.

Dag 746 - Illusion makes me want you more.

It is exactly 1 month and 1 day since my last post around here. This is almost entirely due to the failure of Jonathan Ross to be on TV on Friday night anymore, which in turn means I have no weekly woss weport to write so I've been just watching TV downstairs and generally skiving.

So tonight things have changed. I'm in bed, I've got my new DVD on and when I've watched enough of it I will write a weekly woss style weport about it.

In the mean time I will fill you in on the important events since last we spoke.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I must be trying to go back in time to some seminal part in my life which seems to be around 1982 (which is when I was 18). This has manifested itself in me buying stuff that I had at that point in my life, and probably started about a year ago when I realised that I needed to buy an electric guitar and it had to be a Shergold because that is what I used to have. These guitars haven't been made for ages so it wasn't possible to get one straight away - it took me about 6 months to finally get my hands on one, so to keep me going while I was trying to find a decent Shergold I started buying music that I used to own at that time.

I thinks lists are pretty good so here is a list of what I have re-bought so far (I am still in the process of adding to this so I'll post an updated version at some future date):
Reproduction - Human league
The colour of spring - Talk Talk
Spirit of Eden - Talk Talk
154 - Wire
Real Life - Magazine
Play - Magazine
Some box set or other - magazine
Some double CD compilation CD or something (£2 from a church fete - mint and unplayed) - Simple Minds
Sulk - Associates
Seventeen seconds - The Cure
Unknown pleasures - Joy Division
Movement - New Order
Substance - New Order
Early - Scritti Politti
Blood - This Mortal Coil
I would have also re-bought all the Cocteau Twins albums on CD, but I already had them on CD so I just started listening to them again.

I'm sure there are some I've missed - and this includes the 2 CDs that were waiting for me when I arrived home tonight.

The first was The Scream by Siouxsie and the Banshees, whcih I had ordered earlier in the week from amazon, and the second was Y Su Conjunto by Senor Coconut, which I suspect must have been sent to me by Adrian. So, thankyou very much for that Adrian - I shall email a proper thankyou in due course.

So where were we up to?

Oh yes - I was listing things that I had bought that take me back to the late 70s/early 80s. My most recent must have aquisition was a Korg ms-10 synthersizer. I used to own one back then and not only can I not understand why I ever got rid of it, but I can't even remeber the circumstances involved with me getting rid of it. I have no idea when I sold it and I have no idea who bought it or how I even advertised its sale. Anyway my new vintage korg arrived about 3 weeks ago and its arrival enabled me to reform my 1980s synth band Strange Devotion and start recording new material.

All this pre-amble brings me to real subject mattter of this post. The DVD I am watching is called Made in Shefield and it has now finished so here is the One off Made in Sheffield Weport (which I shall write while watching the DVD extras):

There are 2 main reasons that I bought the DVD in the first place:
1) because I had reformed my 1980s synth combo and as this was all about synth music
2) it had some live footage of the Futurama Festival in Leeds which I had gone to. In fact I had managed to get myself in the first couple of rows so I secretly hoped I might even have managed to get myself caught on camera - though this didn't prove to be the case.

The last thing that struck me about this film is that it is very short. I was quite happily watching it and getting all nostalgic and getting back to my roots and all that and then suddenly it was all over.

The DVD is basically about the Sheffield scene from the late70s/early 80s and was therefore mainly about The Human League, Cabaret Voltaire, Vice Versa, I'm So Hollow, ABC, Clock DVA and various other groups. For some reason this also included Pulp, but to me they are a much later generation, so I'm not quite sure why they were included here.

The film seemed to focus mainly on The Human League and Vice Versa/ABC in terms of the music played, but Chris Watson of cabaret Voltaire was also interviewed alot, but they didn't go into Caberet Voltaire as much as I would have liked.

This calls for another list, so here are the groups I have seen that were on the DVD:
Human League - 05/05/1979 - Leeds University (Supporting Magazine with Simple Minds) - I hadn't heard anything by the Human League before this, but I remember being really impressed by them.
Human League - date unknown - Some nightclub in Sheffield - 1st date of the Travelogue Tour - I managed to get there really early and got a place right at the front in the exact middle about 1 foot away from Phil Oakey
Human League - date unknonwn - Unity Hall Wakefield - last date of the Travalogue Tour (additional note: after the gig while I was back stage getting autographs of the band, Phil Oakey was out front chatting my Mum up, who had given us a lift there)
Caberet Voltaire - 30/12/1980 - Institute of contempory arts London
Heaven 17 - date unknown - Warehouse, Leeds - Not what I was expecting - they only did 3 or 4 songs and they were miming - they then sat down at the front in order to sign autographs - I wasn't impressed
Vice Versa - date unknown - venue unknown (most likely in Leeds - in fact it must have been the futurama) - really thought they were good
ABC - date unknown - Warehouse, Leeds - one of the first gigs after Vice Versa changed their name to ABC - I was hoping they would still be a synth band - they weren't - didn't like them at all
I'm So Hollow - 13/09/1980 - Futurama in Leeds - great concert, I'm So Hollow were one of the main reasons I went to the futurama in the first place

So, the DVD extras are still going strong and I am well and truly ensconsed in nostalgia city arizona.
I have to say that the whole DVD is great, but a particular poin of note was when I played the photo gallery section which goes with the song Genetic Warfaer by Vice Versa. I used to have this and had forgotten it even existed until just now. What a fantastic song that was.

I am the fly.

I love my wife.

Dag 717: Welcome to Edinburgh

After my plane touched down this morning the airhostess welcomed us all to Edinburgh. In my opinion someone who is traveling to a place with you is not the right person to welcome you to that place when you get there. I think only somebody who was already there before you arrived should have the authority to perform such a ritual.
You could argue that as she was sitting in a seat nearer the front than the passengers she did get there first, but I think the people sitting over the wheels got there first as that was the first bit of the plane to touch the ground.
But, to avoid all confusion I think that a time limit of 5 minutes should be set. So you can only welcome someone to a place if you got there at least 5 minutes before they did. That would avoid all unnecessary confusion.

In other news as I drove through Mid calder last friday morning on my way to work I noticed a large number of squashed milk cartons and big squashed plastic milk containers on the side of the road in a large puddle of milk. I am pleased to note that I didn't see anyone in the area with either red eyes or watery eyes.

You have been selected

Got a letter yesterday.
From the Inland Revenue.
They want to "Review my PAYE status"

Does Bulgaria have an extradition treaty with the UK?

Dag 712: A new phase for an old flange

Today I start my 505th month of life and in lue of any recent weekly woss action I am enclosing a recipe idea for you to try:

The recipe was named and improved by Paolo from an original half baked idea of mine.
It is called "Vitello alla Siarrem"

ingredients() {
lightly floured veal escalope;
sliced chestnut mushrooms;
shredded baby leeks;
baking potatoes;
sherry;
butter;
salt;
pepper;
}

method() {
Place the potatoes in the oven to bake;

wait until the potatoes are about ready;

heat the butter until just sizzling, then place the escalope in to it;

fry for about 2 minutes turning once;

remove the escalope cut into thin strips and set aside;

fry the mushrooms, when these have taken on a bit of colour add the leeks;

gently fry until most of the exuded water has evaporated then mix in the veal;

once the melange has recovered its temperature flambé it with the sherry;

split the potatoes and dress with the veal;

serve immediately with a Baltika in a frozen glass;
}

OK I could have gone much further with this them with the "until', "then" and "when" bits etc, but I couldn't be bothered.

Anyway, I haven't tried this, but I am sure it will be very nice.
If you do try this, please let me know how you got on with it.

And to save you doing the maths - yes it is my birthday today, but you will have to do the maths if you want to know how old I am.

Get it right up ye.

It's quiet around here.

I'm sure everyone knows what I'm up to, so won't go into all that.

January is a bad month. I'm glad it's over. All it does is kill time before February, when you can start counting down to the end of winter. Unfortunately I've got lots of family birthdays, so can't really ignore it as it deserves.

So, let's get back to normal business, I want / demand weekly updates from celebrity fat club, get it sorted.

Dag 690: A new heading for an old post

Happy new year or something.

So the weekly woss weports have ended and so has another year.
I can't say it was the best year of my life, but then none of the previous ones were either.

Here are some useful websites recently sent to me by my Brighton correspondant.

Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

The Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net/

Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

So what else has been happening on planet dom? Well my dinky smart car is currently suffering from a flat battery so it could be any one of the follwing faults:
1. battery is knackered
2. the alternator is knackered or something is stopping it charging the battery
3. the battery is getting charged ok, but something else is draining its power while the car is switched off
4. any combination of 2 of the above
5. any combination of 3 of the above

The following information may help narrow the fault down further:
1. I drove from Scotland to Yorkshire last friday arriving in the evening and the car was fine and started fine on each of my stops.
2. On saturday afternoon I tried to start the car, but the battery was dead. I bump started it, but didn't have time to drive it around so I just parked it at the top of a hill near my house so I could bump start it again next morning prior to taking it out to get petrol, jet wash it and give it a run to recharge the battery. After parking at the top of the hill I tried restarting the engine with the key and it started ok.
3. On Sunday the battery was flat, as expected, so I tried to bump start it going down the hill, but I didn't manage to get it in first gear so it didn't start. So the car was at the bottom of the hill with a flat battery. Once I had got someone to help push it back up I got it started and drove to the petrol station.
4. I had to switch the engine off to put petrol in, but it started ok after I paid.
5. I left the engine running while I jet washed it and then I went for at least a 20 minute run.
6. The battery was flat again on Monday morning, but this time I managed to bump start it first tikme down the hill.
7. On the way back to Scotland I stopped at the services and was out of the car for about 10 minutes. When I tried to start it it was flat so I managed to bump it again.
8. I had to stop for petrol near the end of my journey and the car started ok with the key after paying.
9. I parked on a bit of a hill outside work and after 2 hours I tried to start with the key and it was flat again.

On the basis of all this I am getting a new battery fitted tomorrow and am hoping everything will go back to normal again.

Dag 673: I befriend them in these dreams of mine

Today is the day before christmas eve and it is the last Yonathan Woss show of the year. The next one will not be until March or May or something of next year, so that means this will be the last weekly woss weport for some time.

As it is the last weekly woss weport you may have expected me to go to bed early and start writing my opening story nice and early so I can represent every nuamce of the show within my weport. So I guess I should jump straight in and give you the full facts:

1. I was watching the xmas rosemary and thymne christmas special on pasue TV mode so Jonathan was well underway before I finished watching this.
2. I haven't written a pre woss weport story as I normally do I have just gone straight into the weport.
3. I started watching the show while a Scottish girl was being interviewed so I never saw any of the bits before that.
4. The Jonathan Ross show finished some time ago - I am currently flicking between BBC2 (extras) and CH4 (something about coming up with a xmas number 1).
5. The first lp record I ever bought was hunky dory by David Bowie, the first 7 inch single was I wish it could be christmans every day by Wizzard (I think) and the first ever 12 inch single I bought was Marquee Moon by Television and the first pre recorded tape I ever bought was A Trick of the Tail by Genesis and the first ever compact disk I bought was Victorialand by Cocteau Twins and the first ever music video I bought was pictures at an exhibition by ELP and the first ever music DVD I bought was volumen by Björk.
6. The more numbered items I can think of writing the longer I can get out of having to write the woss weport pwoper.
7. Last Monday when I was flying up to Edinburgh the air hostess asked some bloke near me if he wanted a breakfast. He said "yes please, what have you got?". She replied "Breakfast". I thought that was really funny - in fact some of those BMI hostesses are really nice people.
8. When you fly a lot you get to notice that some men on the plane behave as though they are superior to everyone else and will quite happily do things like:
8a not only take over the middle chair arm, but also up to a third of the space in your own chair
8b take off their jacket in such a way that it wacks you accross your face and just act as though it never happened
8c speak to the hostesses as if they are something stuck to the bottom of their shoes
8d various other things
9. ok I suppose I'd better get to the woss weport now

Ok so, for me, the woss weport began with a scottish lady from extras being interviewed. Extras conatins Ricki Gervase out of the office. A couple of years ago I really liked the office and I bought them on DVD and stuff, but I haven't been too impressed with extras and also when Ricki Gervais gets intervoewed on various programs he comes over as a bit of an arse (as far as I am concerned).

Next up was Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Me and Al went to see Rob Brydon at the fringe in 2004 and as we were on the first row we both got spoken to by him. They are quite funny and both good at doing impersonations. Steve Coogan sometimes comes accross as a bit of an arse when he is interviewed, but I think he does it on purpose. I think Alan Partridge is very funnny. These 2 manage tp get through the Woss Inetrview without having to do too much and the show ends with music by Richard Ashcroft.

So that is the end of the last ever Woss hsow from 2005 and this the end of the last ever woss weport from 2005. So as from next week I will be doing some other sort of posting.

I'll see you in the other room......

Dag 670: Wot no woss weport?

I have had a number of people asking what happened to last weeks woss weport, so here is the story:

There was a woss weport last week and it was published on Friday night as usual. However it was pulled on Saturday night due to the fact that it had not only failed the quality control test, but it had also told me to fuck off.

One of the reasons it failed its quality control test was because I missed the first half of the show and didn't pay much attention to the second half and the reason it told me to fuck off was because my opening story was not up to my usual high standard of literary accomplishment. In fact not only had it failed my quality control test, but I had failed its quality control test.

It is currently being held in quarenteen and if I manage to improve it over the next day or two I will re-instate it. Otherwise I will leave it where it is and hope that next weeks weport is back up to the usual standard.

additional notes from the day before xmas eve
I have had a few complaints about the language used in this post so I have decided to re-instate last weeks woss weport by way of recompence. I hope that makes you stuck up sticky beaks happy.

Dag 656: Dreams that fade in the dawn of morning

The 3 amigos entered the blue blazer with the thirst of 16 antelopes. The northern lad was already there and had just got a drink in. The 3 amigos had actually become 4 just before arriving and they wanted to have a drink with that northern lad, but the blue blazer was more busy than it had ever been before and everyone was trying to order another drink at the exact moment they arrived. After some waiting they managed to aquire 3 bottles of baltika and a half of Scruttocks Old Dirigable and were able to sit down with the northern lad in the corner table of the back room and start their old skool christmas night out. They may not have thought about it at the time, but this was likely to be the last christmas night out they would spend together.
And the only thing that could possibly follow on from that would be the latest episode of the weekly woss weport.
However, things are not as they should be. Somebody had been watching taggart and had missed at least the first half of the happless woss talking to his ensconsed guests.

So the weport opens with Dairmid O'Brian saying goodbye. This is the second time I have missed him performing. The previous time was when I tried to book tickets to see him at the Edinburgh fringe, but he was sold out so we went to see another irish comedian whose name escapes me.

Take that were on next and I didn't pay much attention to them, as can only be expected.

Next up was a lady that had something to do with strictly come dancing. This may sound like some perverted fettish type program, but in fact it is about old fashioned dancing and should be avoided at all costs.

Finally some group played something. I didn't notice much about this apart from the fact that there was a Vox amp involved. I have become a bit of an expert on guitar amps since I bought one the other week.

So by the time a wrote this Yonathan has long since left teh screen and I am watching some James Bond film featuring David Nivia. I'm not sure if it called Casino Royal or not, but I do know that it is rubbish. In fact on reflection, it is even worse than rubbish. This bit that involves people trying to pick up big round stone balls is one of the worst bits of cinema I have ever seen.

So on that note I think I will call it a day and watch an episode of Seinfeld instead.

Goodbye.

Dag 649: There's and angel standing at the door

The door made a creaking sound as it slowly opened and the occupents scurried into the shadows. I just caught a glimse of the last one before it was swallowed into the black pit of oblivion. It was taller than me and it looked scared as it turned away just before disappearing. I wondered why it was scared of someone so much smaller that it, especially as there had been many of them and only 1 of me.

Meanwhile the walkers were nearing the summit of pen-y-ghent and the straggler was feeling tired. He wasn't as fit as the others and he was finding it difficult to keep up. The others realised this and decided to stop for a break. They sat in a group just below the peak on the other side of the hill from the village they had set off from. The straggler breathed heavily as he tried to catch his breath, while the others chatted and drank tomato soup. One of them broke off a piece of kendal mint cake and offered it to the straggler, but he declined the offer. "Sorry, but I've got to get my laptop out and write up the weekly woss weport" was all he manged to reply before the clouds closed in and the thunder and lightning began. The straggler now knew exactly why the occupents had felt so scared.

I think the first guest is called Jack Black and he is in the new King Kong film. They have showed some scenes from this, but none of them seem to have the guest in. Maybe he plays the part of the gorilla. This film looks like it is really well made, but I don't really want to see it as I didn't like the original version. I don't like films that have people being cruel to a big pretend gorilla and then killing it in the end. Tomorrow I am going to see the new Hary Potter film.

Now they are showing a clip from Rock School. I haven't seen this film, but it looks rubbish. Sometimes I wonder whether there are any films that I actually like, but really I know that there are.

Now it's Will Young. He was in some rubbish TV show that turned him into a star so he did pretty well for himself I guess.
Jonathan (pronounced Yonathan) has made some comment or other and Jules has come back with a reply that I found really good. I like Jules Holland.

Anyway, Will Smith has gone off to sing some song and I have to admit that I don't like it at all.

Now it is time for Mr Holland himself. I find Jules a real dilemma. I think he is a really great guy and I find him very funny and I think he has done a great deal for music. His show, later with jules holland, is really good and he has had some great guests. I also think that he is a fantastic piano player and I really used to like some of the squeeze songs. The trouble is that I don't really like his rythmn and blues orchestra style music. Boogie woogie just isn't my cup of tea, but because he is so cool I just can't say a bad word about him.

Now it is Paul Weller performing a song. I never used to like the Jam, but I like quite a few of Paul Weller's songs. I particularly like one called The Changing Man - it is really good.

Now James Blunt is on in some program following Jonathan Ross. It is called James Blunt at the BBC. I don't know much about James Blunt, other than my daughter likes him and the people I work with don't. I wonder who is right? I guess they both are.

Dag 642: Dreams are like water - colourless and dangerous

The boat was floating down the river towards the sea. The water was deep and dark and the boat was moving very slowly. Occasionally it would touch one of the banks and pause momentarily before the current would cause the back of the boat to swing around and the boat would float backwards for a while. Eventually it passed the flat rock on which I was having a picnic. I noticed the boat before it drew level with me and I wondered whether it had broken loose from its mooring as I could see no one on board. As it passed by me I noticed there was something big lurking in the bottom. It seemed to be moving slightly as if it was breathing heavily, but it was larger than any creature I had ever seen before. There was a sudden movement and the thing jumped up and looked back at me as the boat floated away. Although this was clearly some abomination of nature that could only have entered this world through some strange rift in time I had a weekly woss weport to write so I just let it go on its way without a further thought.

First of all Mr Woss went on about getting some sort of OBE or something from the Queen. I often wonder why these things are given to people off TV - though I am sure they have good reasons. While we are on the subject I also often wonder why they put these TV award shows on TV. After all they don't put Sys Admin award shows on TV.

The first guest is out of sex in the city. I have never watched it and I didn't really listen to what was being said as I was busy with the introduction.

Harry Hill was on next and he was pretty funny. I liked his musical performance with those old fashioned horns.

Then it was Patsy Kensit out of Emerdale farm. I don't watch that, but I did go to school with Claire Seed. I also think that Bo Selecta is very good.

Now cold play are being interviewed. They seem to talk quite a bit of nonsense and the singer has got various bits of coloured tape on his hand.

Now they are performing their new single. It is called Talk - which is half of the name of the band Talk Talk.
The one on the right seems to be playing through a Hiwatt amp, but I am not 100% sure - I'll let you know if I mange to confirm it. I can't tell what amp the one on the left has. The one at the back has some drums and the one at the front is singing. I've just noticed that I can hear keyboards being played, but I can't see anyone playing them. Maybe they are miming. I just have confirmation that the one on the right is indeed using a Hiwatt amp. I bought an amp today. I could have got a Hiwatt one for £1200, but instead I bought a Line 6 one for £429. It should arrive tomorrow before noon and no doubt I will mention it in some future posting.

The show has now ended so I have turned over to watch later with Jools Holland.

If any of you went to see Sigur Rós recently you may be interested to know that you can watch the whole of their gig from Reykjavik, Iceland on 27th November 2005on a webcast by clicking here and then clicking on the bit that says "Webcast of the Iceland concert!".

This weeks weekly woss weport was bought to you by I can't be bothered to wite a weekly woss weport wimited.